I guess I should be excited about tonight’s episode, as the last woman standing in the house is also the HOH, so it’s sort of a rah-rah, girl power moment. But how exactly is the last woman in the house Britney? She who hates everyone and can’t take criticism? And tends to cry for no reason? And break promises? Of course, this is “Big Brother,” so being a bit of a lying scumbag is just playing the game, but still, it’s kind of like Heidi Montag walking on the moon. One small step for womankind, sure, but still pretty embarrassing.

[Full recap of Sunday's (Aug. 22) "Big Brother" after the break...]

We kick things off with one of those “only on ‘BB’ moments” that you just have to love. When Brendon’s attempt to toss Matt out of the house is botched by the diamond power of veto, Brendon gets his feathers ruffled – because Matt called him a dummy. Really, Brendon? Matt may eventually get you ousted from the game, and this is what you’re worried about? Being called a dummy?
 
I love it when “BB” rewinds a little to show us drama we missed earlier in the week, and this time we get to see Hayden and Enzo letting Matt know that, in having to choose whether to save him or Lane, they’re perfectly happy to let Matt fall on his own sword. Matt, of course, doesn’t take this to heart, because he’s too busy winking at the “BB” cameras and giggling to himself.
 
Okay, quick aside – Ragan just called himself a bipolar, hot tranny mess. Hah! That Ragan! Such a card!
 
Oh, and Matt just called himself a diabolical supergenius. Blech. The worst part? He may be right. Oh, I just want to take his wife’s non-diseased leg and beat him with it.
 
Time to see Britney’s HOH room! Maybe it’s not so great that Britney won HOH, because all of her pictures are creepy, including those of her fiancé, Nick. She had described Nick as super hot, and now the truth is out – he’s a tremendous goober. With a skin condition. Lane is horrified to be compared to such a dweeb, but he really should be feeling pretty good about his chances with Brit-Brit, because at some point she’s going to realize she can do better than someone who looks, frankly, a bit inbred.
 
Knowing he might go on the block, Enzo is freaking out. He whines to Lane. He whines to Matt. So, Matt quickly suggests him as Brit-Brit’s second nomination. Because Matt can’t stand whining. Unless it’s from Ragan, apparently.
 
But Enzo isn’t the only big baby in the (b)rigade. His buddies are also getting all kinds of stressed out. Lane decides he needs to show his buds that he is worthy of the title “The Beast” by lifting a super heavy barbell. Wow, Lane, that and winning HOH would be super impressive! Oh yeah, you haven’t done that yet. Shut up, Lane.
 
Oh boy, things are just getting weirder now. Matt admits he dreamt of Hayden, shirtless. Hanging with his parents. Britney has also dreamt of Hayden. But Lane is freaked out about Matt’s little confession, because clearly, Matt is switching teams, and the (b)rigade is way too butch to go gay, right? Lane may have to go lift something heavy or demand hot sex from Britney, just in case the gay is catching.  
 
Anyway, back to the ugly work of throwing people under the bus. Brendon goes to plead his case to Brtiney. And I’m sure it doesn’t matter, because she could give a crap about the deal she made with him last week, since that was, like, last week. Brendon does make a good case, though, in that he’s a pretty good P.O.V. competitor, and he’ll come back gunning for her if he survives the week. Watch your back, Brit-Brit.
 
Time for the have/have not competition. Britney arrives wearing a Little Bo-Peep outfit, which makes Lane want to go all He-Man and toss her over his shoulder to drag her off for some randy animal sex. It has been more than a month these hamsters have been locked up together, so it’s no surprise the air is getting a little sticky with hormones.
 
The hamsters are divided into lawmen and outlaws, and the backyard is all Old Westy, so I guess Britney is less Bo Peep than old timey prostitute. The lawmen are Brendon, Hayden and Enzo, while Matt, Ragan and Lane are the outlaws. Lane is tickled, because he’s all about the West, and this game appears to involve drinking, and he’s all for drinking. Ragan, on the other hand, could give a crap what the game’s about, because he’s been a have not for 24 days and he’s down to his birth weight. 

The game is fairly ridiculous, in that each team must figure out who has drunk a yucky-tasting drink on the other team. Really, BB? This is the best you could do? Who’s better at not making faces?
 
The lawmen correctly guess Matt got the stinky drink.
The outlaws correctly guess Brendon got the stinky drink. Wow, this is a fun game. It’s almost better than watching paint dry! Worst of all is watching Ragan cry like a colicky baby in a bad theater production.
The lawmen guess Ragan and get it wrong.
The outlaws guess Enzo and get it wrong.
The lawmen guess Ragan and get it wrong.
The outlaws correctly guess Enzo.
Final round!
The lawmen guess Matt and are the have-nots for the week. Ouch. Ragan, of course, is thrilled, even if he had to humiliate himself by sobbing after each drink. You know, Ragan, there are worse things than eating slop, and one of them, I’m fairly sure, is acting like a big baby on national television.
 
Inside the house, we learn America has chosen broccoli and bean dip for our have not hamsters. Wow, this is lose-lose for everyone in the house, if you ask me. We can only hope Britney got Febreze in her HOH gift package. Or a gas mask.
 
So, time to show the hamsters suffering in their sad, entertainment-deprived state. And tonight’s not-interesting moment is a moth scaring Britney and Ragan. Lane thinks they’re silly girls. Lane is not wrong. I’m starting to feel like I’ve been locked up in the BB house for 40-odd days with nothing to do, because watching crap like this just makes you feel both brain dead and stir crazy.
 
The plotting continues. Enzo correctly points out to Lane and Hayden that Matt’s playing for himself. Well, duh. So, they suggest to Britney he make Matt the pawn. Britney is, like, so confused! So, she pitches Matt the idea of him being the pawn. Oddly enough, he doesn’t like the idea. Whatever will she do? Probably what she planned to do in the first place. “BB” tries to throw us for loops, but really, the HOH hamsters almost never change their minds.
 
Time for nominations!
 
The first key goes to Hayden.
A key goes to Ragan.
A key goes to Lane.
And the last key goes to Matt. D’oh!
 
Britney tells Enzo he’s on the block because he’s never been on before. She tells Brendon that he’s on the block because he came after her last week. Which, um, he didn’t. But hey, she has to say something, I guess.
 
Enzo intends to work his magic to get Matt on the block. Sort of the way he worked his magic in the have not competition. Which is, not at all.
 
Well, I can’t say anything in tonight’s episode was a surprise, but it will be interesting to see if Brendon can keep his burning flame of Medieval Times knightly vengeance alive and win the POV, which would make for some fireworks in the house. Of course, if the producers keep dressing the only female in the house like a slutty girl at the Playboy mansion on Halloween, I’m afraid the next big explosion may be one that results in lawsuits and criminal charges, which would not really be anything we want to see on prime time television. Just a thought.
 
Do you think Brendon is going home? Do you think Enzo will outlast Matt or the other way around? And who do you think will win HOH next week?