I'm just warning you up front; I'm not entirely sure I can make it through tonight's episode. Natalie as HOH? Jeff gone? What the hell? Come on, Big Brother, throw us a lifeline, some kind of Coup D'Etat or maybe a heat-seeking missile that only targets semi-delusional shrieking harpies. But hey, maybe ol' She Who Talks Big But Never Wins isn't so delusional after all, because when it counted she managed to pull it out and win HOH. That doesn't make me despise her any less, but whatever.

[Full recap of Sunday (Sept. 6) night's "Big Brother" after the break...]

Well, we have to start things off on a low, low note reviewing Jeff's eviction from the house, which I'm still not really coping with. Natalie (seriously, I could not loathe this girl more if she revealed herself to be a professional baby seal harpooner), relished kicking him to the curb so much I half expected her to rub her mitts together in evil glee, while Jordan gets all choked up and is clearly neck-deep in survivor's guilt, poor lamb. Shockingly, Kevin says that if Jeff had every tried to win him over he would have kept him in the house, which is either Kevin trying to make everyone think he isn't a bad guy or is... well, Kevin trying to make everyone think he's dumb, because picking Jeff over Jordan wouldn't have been in his best interest, honestly.

Oh, and then the flashback fun continues. It is SO GREAT to hear Natalie gloat about how she's stuck to her word and now it's “no more acting like a weak competitor.” Um, that was acting? Seriously? Because my God, give this girl an Emmy if that was acting. No one sucks like Natalie sucks, let's be serious. Thankfully, Kevin isn't drinking her Kool-Aid, and in the diary room he says the girl's all kind of crazy if she thinks she's a great competitor, but hey, what does he care? He's final three now, and that's got to feel good.

Or, he's not, because now Natalie wants to put him on the chopping block to throw off Michele and Jordan. Because they'll obviously believe Kevin and Natalie are no longer friends. Kevin, of course, thinks this is a sucky plan and considers “slapping the biznatch,” which is very urban of him and I would totally pay to watch if he did actually do it.

It's time to see Natalie's HOH room, and we discover that her boyfriend is a big blond dork, but her junior high school pictures are, in fact, dorkier (nice glasses, Nat). While Natalie gets all nutso happy about a blanket (and it's not even Michael Jackson's kid, but an actual blanket), Jordan and Michele try to smile convincingly but you can pretty much see the hatred seeping out of the corners of their mouths when they do it.

Oh, you know what I said about Michele and Jordan not being stupid enough to believe Natalie when she says she's putting up Kevin? Um, yeah, apparently they are that stupid, because Natalie (who considers herself a professional poker player who makes a living at lying despite the fact Big Baby Head Russell whipped her ass at a game of Texas Hold ‘Em) gives them the big sell over pizza and they both nod and congratulate her on smart gamesmanship. I'm hoping they're just playing her, because that would be just desserts, but I'm not hopeful.

Time for a luxury competition, which makes Kevin do a little wacky dance suggesting that deep inside he is really four.  The game involves shopping for matching items of clothing, which suggests this game would be great for Paris Hilton, but not so much for our hamsters. Still, Kevin, Michele and Natalie seem to take great pleasure in striking a pose in their horribly ugly outfits, so if Madonna ever decides to go retro and bust out the vogue-ing thing again, they will be ready. Jordan, unfortunately, will have to sit that trend out, because her version of striking a pose is basically standing stock still like a possum in the middle of a freeway.

So, the big reward is three minutes to shop like crazy people, and the hamsters are allowed to keep anything they can slap on before the buzzer rings. Kevin, having snagged a pair of pants, is now able to die happy. His words, mind you, not mine. Personally, I don't think I would die happy following a shopping spree, since I'd actually want to have a little time to wear my purchases and be, oh, 95 or so.

Kevin, thankfully, had more on his mind than pants and pulls Michele aside to propose taking her into the final two. Meanwhile, Natalie is trying to sell Jordan on the same idea. I'm suspecting Kevin may be telling the truth, which is an exciting idea, but of course Natalie is lying like a rug and I can only hope Jordan's Spidey senses are tingling.

Luckily, before any more scheming can take place, Natalie walks into the HOH room and finds another Pandora's Box note. What it tells her is that, if she opens the door, she can hang out with her not-attractive boyfriend Jason. The cost, however, will be that she won't be able to compete in the POV competition.

Now, any sane person would figure, hey, there will be plenty of time to hang with my boyfriend when all of this is over. Obviously, the smart decision is to be a little sad about it but decide, hey, gotta pass on the nookie time with the boyfriend. It's more important to go to bat for my friend Kevin, who tends to choke under pressure, and without me in the game he's likely to actually suffer a series of small heart attacks.

So Natalie, being a dumbass, decides to enter the room and throw Kevin under the bus. That's our Natalie. Really, harpooner of baby seals vs. Natalie, not sure who I'd pick to hate more.

Okay, so there is a big payoff in that Natalie walks in and her boyfriend gets down on bended knee and proposes. With a ring made from a twist-tie. Which actually has a story behind it, which is that his dad was too poor to buy his mom a ring and yada yada yada. Whatever, still wouldn't be proposing with a twist-tie, dude. But Natalie, being a classy gal, loves her twist tie and would wear it forever. What's strange is that the moment is pretty low key. I mean, Natalie doesn't even seem that excited, and I'm not sure if that's because of her awareness of the cameras being there or if she's really thinking, crap, it's going to be so much harder to dump this guy now, and didn't he watch me cuddle with Jessie every night for however many weeks?

Then, Natalie has the option of getting fifteen minutes to eat sushi with Jason, although it will come at the expense of annoying the other hamsters. Because Natalie could give a crap about them, she of course lunges for the sushi option and the housemates are confronted with a fat man in a baby costume and a dwarf dressed as a cat that won't leave them alone. Oh, and then a roach comes out and sprays them with bug killer. This has got to be the weirdest punishment I've seen on this show, and that's saying something. It's like one of the producers has a relative at a lame-o costume rental place and wants to give the guy work.

And because Natalie is a bad, bad person, she tells everyone a little fib. Instead of saying she was eating sushi with her boyfriend and hey, look, check out my beeeyoootiful trailer trash ring, she tells them she's completely broken up because she can't play in the veto competition. And she's been doomed to a final two reversal, which will cause the votes from the jury house to be switched, effectively dooming her to second place. And then they covered her eyes with a blindfold and her ears with padded earphones. And then she was abducted. Or something. It just got too bizarro to keep track of, but Kevin's B.S. meter goes into overdrive and Jordan and Michele don't look too convinced, either. I suspect Natalie only wins at poker when she cheats or plays the visually impaired, but whatever.

Anyway, her little plan completely backfires, because everyone decides that there really is a final two reversal – but it's set up in some way to benefit Natalie, not the other way around. Um, oops. That's what you get for going overboard, Nat.

Kevin, spitting nails and getting all urban with his lingo, confronts Natalie about her craptastic like, and she finally realizes, uh, that was not one of my better ideas. So she tells everyone ha, ha, I pranked you! Because I'm 18 and I do stupid things like that! And my much older boyfriend proposed to me! Yay! And even though this time she's mostly telling the truth, Kevin still isn't buying. He doesn't even think her name is Natalie, people.

Time for nominations. Yay. Natalie dresses up in an inflatable orange crown, sunglasses and a robe, so her version of royalty is more late-Elvis than European. Anyway, Jordan gets the key. Jordan, thankfully, isn't entirely stupid and suspects Natalie is up to no good, though, so I hope that means she brings it when it's time to compete for POV.

And, as promised, Kevin and Michele are on the block. But wait, Natalie has to grind salt in their wounds! Natalie tells Kevin she nominated him for eviction because she intends to outplay him, and she tells Michele she thinks she's a backstabber and a liar and making a deal with her is like making a deal with the devil. Hello, pot, meet kettle.

The benefit in Natalie tossing a hissy fit in her ridiculous outfit is that it puts a fire under Michele's butt, as she's determined to get her out and take Jordan to the final two. To which I say, go, Michele! And Kevin is pretty much over Natalie as a partner, having seen her scheming, hateful side, so she better not put too much faith in him to carry her next week even if he survives. So, as horrible as it was to watch Natalie become HOH, I'm actually a little hopeful that she did so much damage during her brief reign that she'll be out on her ass next week. Because someone's got to deflate that stupid crown of hers.

Do you think Kevin will win POV? Who do you think will be final three? And who are you voting for as your favorite houseguest?