Some people call “Big Brother” one of the impending signs of Armageddon and the nadir of reality television schlock, but I call it a little slice of heaven. Really, the only thing that could make it better is a devious, underhanded twist. Or a fatality. And guess what? We get one this season!  I mean, a twist. Yes, a saboteur, so it’s basically “The Mole” meets “BB” so, good times.

[Full recap of Thursday (July 8) night's "Big Brother" after the break...]

Anyway, let’s meet our hamsters. They’re awfully cute, some are tame and I think most of them are paper trained!
 
Andrew
Miami Beach, FL
Andrew is a podiatrist and an Orthodox Jew. This should be interesting. Hope they don’t have any “turn this light switch off and on really fast on a Friday night” challenges or “eat all the shrimp to win” contests. Although I did hear the guy is getting kosher slop if he’s punished, so I guess this will be a religion-friendly season. Unless the saboteur decides to slip some pork into the vegetarian chili at some point.
 
Britney
Huntington, AR
She’s cute, she blonde and she’s got a big city game. I somehow doubt this. But she should be able to get by on the cute, blonde thing for a while at least.  
 
Hayden
Tempe, AZ
He likes baseball. He seems too nice to be in this game for long, so he’s either the saboteur or he'd better pair up with someone a little more devious.
 
Rachel
Las Vegas, NV
She’s got a hooker bod and she’s a chemist. Like Britney’s big city game claim, I’m not sure if Rachel is as smart as she thinks she is, but none of the guys are likely to hear anything she says for at least the first few weeks, so no problem.
 
Kathy
Texarkana, AR
She’s a sheriff’s deputy, so I guess she’ll be able to wrestle people to the ground and taser them if they piss her off. This could be fun.
 
Monet
Glen Carbon, IL
The Chima for this season, Monet seems like a self-absorbed, whiney diva. We can only hope she throws her microphone in the Jacuzzi sooner rather than later.
 
Matt
Elgin, IL
Matt is in Mensa. He’s also a drummer. Matt has already established himself as incredibly annoying, which suggests that he isn’t smart enough to pretend he has a personality and his days might be numbered.
 
Annie
Tampa, FL
She’s bisexual. And that seems to be her angle, with the implication being she’ll sleep with anything that moves. I’m not sure this is really a strategy, Annie, unless your ultimate goal is to need a round of antibiotics.
 
Lane
Decatur, TX
He likes to get dirty on the ranch. Lane seems like he might be more comfortable with livestock than people.
 
Enzo
Bayonne, NJ
Wow, a “Jersey Shore” reject! Enzo is such a walking cliché he makes my head hurt. “Da food won’t be as good as what Mama makes?” Shoot me. And I’m thinking he’s such a cliché, he can’t be for real. Saboteur!
 
Brendon
Riverside, CA
Brendon is a hot swim coach. And he seems painfully self-absorbed. Hopefully he’ll get thrown in the deep end soon.
 
Kristen
Philadelphia, PA
She thinks she’s smart. She manages a shoe store and models a little. Kristen seems about as smart as a bag of hair, honestly. Why do all these contestants seem so convinced of their own intellectual superiority? Are they comparing themselves to actual hamsters?
 
Ragan
West Hollywood, CA
He teaches communication studies and wears bow ties. And is way gay.
 
My first thought -- Ragan and Lane are meant for each other. Ragan likes big, dumb dudes and Lane doesn’t like thinking. I say love match!
 
Anyway, Julie invites everyone onto the “BB” set and tells them to stare suspiciously at one another. And they don’t even know about the mole yet! Mwahahaha!
 
Brendon meets Rachel and Britney, and his first thought is both girls look better than he does in a bathing suit. Um, Brendon? Narcissistic much?
 
Anyway, everyone gets into the house and starts screaming with glee, and I don’t mean the TV show.  After the initial scramble for beds (with the last batch of housemates not getting them), there are introductions. What we learn about the hamsters is that Matt is hugely annoying, and so is Monet. She has cats. Ragan is way into Brendon. No, pick Lane, Ragan! He’ll be true to you, while Brendon, he’s just another playboy. Kristen reveals that she wants Hayden. And Annie wants everyone. Calm down, Annie.
 
Oh, and Rachel thinks Andrew is wearing a Yom Kippur. Oh, Rachel, that’s so cute. I’m thinking you’re just not as smart as you think you are. Or at the very least you don’t know any Jewish people.
 
In the introductions, Andrew lies and tells everyone he works at a shoe store after being unemployed for a while. I was kind of hoping Andrew would be playing the game at a higher level, since God is watching, but no, he lies to everyone right off the bat. Way to do PR for the Jewish community, Andrew.
 
Britney then reveals she luvvvvvvs Ragan, because he is a “flaming homosexual” and she just loves those flaming homosexuals, because she can talk to them about “SATC” and shoes and shopping and boys. Which makes gay men sound like 14-year-old girls. I would say this is another sign Britney is not as big city as she thinks she is. And is actually really insulting. I hope Ragan hates her.
 
Time for the first HOH competition! Because there will be two teams, the thirteenth housemate has to sit out the competition as the “mascot.” Andrew immediately volunteers. Dumbass. Not only does he have to dress like a hot dog, he immediately invites the suspicion of everyone in the house that he’s the saboteur.
 
Okay, maybe he’s not a total dumbass, because he’s safe from elimination. And then the excitement begins! Everyone has to jump on a hot dog and wiggle across a field of coals. The winner gets HOH and big money, and the runners up get some money but in diminishing amounts. Rachel is all kinds of excited, because she digs climbing on hot dogs. We get it, Rachel.
 
I’d love to tell you all about this inaugural HOH competition, but I can’t, because the Slingbox went out. Yay, Slingbox.
 
Anyway, Hayden wins. That’s all I know. But he’ll be an interesting HOH, won’t he? I think the picking of victims will be torturous for him, although that nice guy thing may be total crap.
 
Oh goodie! Julie reveals that we can send suggestions to the saboteur. Oh, that’s too fun! We can’t suggest executions, can we? I mean, that would get ratings.
 
Anyway, everyone’s lounging on sofas and relaxing, which never lasts long. So of course, something dramatic happens -- the lights go out, and the saboteur is on the loose! Brendon thinks it’s time to go to sleep. Brendon apparently thinks with his Speedo. Or he’s the saboteur! Andrew decides it’s a good time to pull some pranks. He throws a pillow and makes everyone scream. Andrew is either the saboteur or clinically stupid.

The lights come back on, and the saboteur’s evil deeds are revealed. He or she has padlocked the storage room, so no one has any food. But there is slop in the kitchen. Rachel is furious, because she’s only had a banana and strawberries. Really, everyone turns on one another like “Lord of the Flies,” so I’m thinking this mole concept is a really good addition to the show, because there may actually be felonious assaults and nervous breakdowns. And that would be the best season EVER!
 
Who do you think is the saboteur? Who do you think Hayden will pick as HOH? And who’s your favorite to win?