I am just crazy excited for tonight's episode, aren't you? I mean, yeah, we've all read the spoilers, we know what's going to happen in this Very Special Episode. But who cares? Watching exactly how this meltdown plays out and relishing every crazypants second of it, well, it's just too delicious. If, say, you've been on a 72-hour psychiatric lockdown or a self-imposed media diet, maybe you don't know who melts down tonight. So, spoiler alert. For both of you.
Michele tells the diary cam she really likes Chima as a person, but her friendship with Chima isn't worth $500,000, to which I say, um, duh. I'm not sure Chima's friendship is worth the lint in Michele's left pocket and a dusty Lifesaver, honestly.
Lydia goes running to Natalie and Chima to say what the F, and Natalie and Chima commence whining about the great injustice of it all. Natalie infers Michele is a sucker, while Chima says she's been nothing but nice to Michele, which apparently should give her a pass to the finals, since being kind to a nerd takes a Herculean effort on the part of her superchic self.
At this point, Chima seems calm. Eerily calm. Cue spooky, slasher movie music here.
Jordan, Michele, Russell and Jeff retire to the HOH room, where Michele warns her new bestest friends that Chima will be actively throwing them under the bus, to which Russell replies, um, yes, we knew that, we've been here for over a month, too, but thank you Little Miss Ph.D.
Jordan gets in the confessional to say Chima and Natalie are the biggest group of whiners she's ever met, which is so true. I've got to say, Jordan may just be a wide-eyed waitress who spells cat with a “k” (her words, not mine), but I think she's been putting on the dumb blonde act a bit, don't you?
In the HOH room, Jeff points out that what's happening to the Whiners is exactly what happened to them, with the exception of the big-time pouting, and adds that Chima is one of the hugest bitches he's ever met in his whole life. And I love him so much for saying that, I don't even mind the fact he used the non-word “hugest” in a sentence and he wasn't even trying to be cute or ironic, because he actually believes it's a word.
Chima whines to Kevin, Lydia and Natalie that she wants to go home, and Kevin tells her she can never quit, not because it's the right thing to do, but because she'd be screwing him over. Ah, Kevin, you could never become a used car salesman, because you'd tell people they need a crapped-out Ford Taurus because his rent is, like, totally overdue.
Chima says she's kept her word to everyone in the house, and adds that Michele stabbed her in the back. She then snarls that she won't give anyone the satisfaction of voting her out of the house, which I would take to mean she wants to win POV, but, um, I think we all know different.
The Chima self-destruct mode is in sequence. Please begin countdown to crazypants... now.
Kevin tells us that sometimes Big Brother gives the housemates a practice version of the next day's game, and poof! he discovers a mini-putt putt course in the backyard. He pleads with Chima to work on her swing, and The Queen sighs mightily (heavy is the head that wears a martyr's crown of thorns) and agrees to go downstairs.
Chima saunters downstairs, sighing heavily the whole way, and the voice of Big Brother orders her to put on her mic. She gives Big Brother the finger. Apparently this isn't a big deal to anyone else in the house, because Queen Chima has been Queen Bitch since day one. Natalie, practicing the putt-putt game, asks Lydia to assist Her Majesty by fetching her mic, but Chima refuses to put it on.
In the confessional, Jordan reveals that Chima is a diva who acts as if the rules don't apply to her, to which we can all say, um, DUH. But this is just the set-up for the wonderful Montage of Shame. The producers, perhaps sensing that viewers make take Chima's side in the fracas that ensues, decides to make their case against Miss Priss up front. And it's really quite wonderful, like seeing a montage of a bratty kid's tantrums or Britney Spears' meltdowns.
Day 6. Chima won't go into the diary room because she doesn't feel like it. Day 6, mind you. Queenie got on her high horse pretty damn early. Day 10. She again says she won't go to the confessional for no particularly good reason. On day 35, she informs the producers that she will swear a blue streak that will make members of the FCC poop themselves if Jeff uses his magic wizard power, and that this is, indeed, a threat. To which I say, if the FCC can survive Kathy Griffin, little Chima ain't nothin'. Then, on Day 40, she covers up a camera to apparently have private time with Natalie and Lydia, to which I say, hey, dummy, might want to cover up all the cameras, not just one. Boy, Chima is just a treasure, isn't she?
In the confessional, Kevin then informs us as to how a microphone works. Cutting back to the patio, we see Kevin hand Chima her microphone, which she nonchalantly tosses into the hot tub.
While Natalie, Lydia and Kevin had shown only a mild level of panic up to this point, microphone soup brings out full-fledged panic in all three of them, as if they feel they must cover up a murder scene or lie to a grand jury. Lydia tells the diary cam she was mortified by this big no-no, and we watch as she and Natalie try to fish the microphone out of the jacuzzi, repeating over and over that Chima's hand, um, slipped while she was stabbing Russell, I mean, when she tossed the mic in the water. To which I say, girls? Big Brother? He's filming. Give it up.
Meanwhile, Big Brother in his weirdly inhuman voice keeps asking Chima to put on her mic. Natalie threatens to practice her swing on Chima's head if she doesn't follow orders, but Chima instead tells Big Brother to suck her, um, fill in the blank. But she does, finally, put on a mic.
Chima whines that this whole week Big Brother let her think she was running things, but she wasn't. Which really, is what made the last few episodes so much fun. Too bad they couldn't find another banana suit or other humiliation for Queen Chima to endure, because that would have made everything exponentially more fun.
Chima, exhausted from being a petty, pouty baby, retreats to bed, whining about her mistreatment. And suddenly Lydia has a moment of lucidity and tells Miss Thing, hey, you wanna leave, there's a door. Big Brother then requests Her Majesty's presence in the diary room. Chima refuses, demanding a personal audience with Big Brother to make it worth her while to stumble downstairs. I guess this was the point when executive producer Allison Grodner said to herself, I do not get paid enough to take crap from a twit like this, and she gets on the horn to tell Her Majesty to get her damn ass downstairs.
Amazingly, this works. As The Poutiest Girl Around trudges out of the room, a fully delusional Natalie tells Chima she'll win POV tomorrow and become HOH next week and she's going to win a half million dollars and get a magic pony, too! Yay!
Kevin, who seems to be the only sane member of the Crazy Girls' Club, is the first to call it. He says Chima's gone and she ain't coming back. Which sends Natalie and Lydia on a fresh, new spiral of Whole Hella Lotta Crazy.
Natalie and Lydia try to convince themselves that Chima did not, in fact, throw the mic into the hot tub and that the evil hot tub magically rose up and snatched it from the air, which is okay because Dae Yum Yum is going to turn back time and make everything okay. Well, maybe not the last part, but these girls so crazy.
Then Allison, who has a very authoritative, irritated-mom kind of voice, calls a meeting for all the housemates. I would totally fear Allison, because I suspect she takes no crap from anyone, and she probably feels like she's slumming just working on this show but the money's too good to turn down, so you know she's already a little testy. She announces that Chima clearly did not want to follow the rules of the game, that she destroyed a piece of production equipment, and she's out on her high falutin' ass.
Okay, everyone take a moment to enjoy this a little. Sing ding, dong the witch is dead, do a little Roger Rabbit dance, whatever makes you feel good. Done? Good. Let's get on with it. Because really, you will want to do more dancing before this is over, I swear.
Kevin, who is usually so normal, regresses to middle school by pulling on his hoodie while moaning that this is stoooopid. Allison, who has probably had it up to here with crazy ass housemate hamster nonsense, asks the housemates to pack Chima's stuff so it can be thrown into traffic. I mean, returned to her.
Kevin continues his mini-meltdown, pacing around and crying and repeating how stoooopid this all is, which makes me think, damn, no one invite him to a funeral because it will just be embarrassing for everyone. Unless it's Jessie's funeral, because that may not bother him too much.
Meanwhile, the other team takes a moment to, if not dance on Chima's grave, vent their feelings. Jeff calls Chima a nuisance and a menace, which is really an understantement, and Michele says she wishes everyone would treat everyone else with dignity, to which I say, well, sure, and I wish we could have open hunting season on investment bankers and realtors, but dreams don't come true, do they?
Natalie, as she is wont, gets all riled up crazy and starts talking about how Michele deserves to die or some such, and Lydia actually tells the girl to cool her jets and help her pack. It's almost like the Lydia who wasn't a raving lunatic is back, the one I liked so much in week one, and it makes me a little sad.
Natalie, in the denial phase of the Kuhbler-Ross pyramid, says she could have reasoned with Chima, while Kevin feels guilty for no good reason. Lydia, who is apparently so over Chima right now, points out that Chima was a big girl and made her own choice, which, well, is completely true.
Kevin then whines that all of this is dumb, which is another way of saying stooooopid. But even he urges Natalie to stop acting crazy, and Natalie feels betrayed by her only friends in the house, who really should get all nutso whenever she does.
Then, it's time for another announcement. Michele tells the group she's no longer HOH, and it's time for another HOH competition, which makes Natalie get a little hyper, and you can see some bloodlust in her eyes, which has propelled her to victory... um, I don't think it ever has, has it? But she's determined to win. As usual.
In the diary room, Michele tells us she had a good HOH week, even though it only lasted two days, and I have to say, considering she actually drove someone insane, that's quite an accomplishment.
Kevin is thrilled that Michele's out, because now it's time to start fresh! To which I say, ha! Jeff's thrilled that he'll get to play miniature golf, which should be fun, although walking through tar before a feather and dirt dip should be fun now that Chima's out of the house. Plus, everyone gets to wear ridiculous golf pants, and that's always a good time.
Natalie busts out her usual rant about how she must win the HOH competition, because she had been running the house (really? Because I thought that was Jessie) and now she's in danger. Jordan agrees that it's an important game, because she can't let Lydia, Kevin or Natalie win. So, yeah, tension's high. We get it.
Now we see the first signs of Lydia's Full-Out Crazypants Dance. Tick, tick, tick. I didn't think this much crazy could fit into one little episode, but it does indeed.
Lydia tells the diary cam she's sick of being on the block, and if she's on the block again she really might lose it. You know that psycho music we busted out for Chima? Play that again. Thanks.
Lydia's eliminated first, and she wins (ta da!) HOH. But, because prizes can be swapped White Elephant style by other losers and finally the winner, you know she ain't keeping it.
Lydia, sulking on the sidelines, starts drinking mimosas. This is not a good thing, it turns out, though it is great television. Natalie, so determined to win, is next to go, and she gets a Hawaiian vacation.
Then Russell's out, and he gets a phone call from home, which he swaps with Natalie, who starts crying like a baby because she wants to talk to her dad. She thanks Russell, who tells her to suck it because he only wanted the vacation. But then he tells the diary cam that he didn't want anyone to think he was friends with Natalie. Which suggests he IS friends with Natalie, and maybe the producers haven't shown us a little backdoor negotiation. And don't you think the sneaky snake is up to no good again?
Kevin, nervous about being the last great hope for his team, screws up and gets eliminated, winning $5,000.
Then, we get to see Jordan and Jeff play, and Jeff offers to throw the game for Jordan, which Russell says is very manly and classy, while a fully drunk Lydia screams that evil prevails, and that she won't vote for Jeff but she will vote for Jordan when she's on the jury, and there's some other stuff that's apparently so obscene I couldn't even begin to figure it out what with all the censoring.
Jeff, last to go, takes the Hawaiian vacation from Russell, because you know he's looking to get Jordan in a bikini on a remote island. Russell is then left with a spa vacation, which he'll probably love if it includes chest waxing.
Then, Jordan takes the HOH from Lydia, and gives her the final prize – which is having to wear a Captain Unitard outfit all week. Which makes Lydia go altogether nuts, calling Jordan a ho-puppet and a bunch of other censored things before she stomps into the house, saying more crazy censored things.
Jordan says if all this crazy is because of Jessie leaving, it's ridiculous, to which I heartily agree. And really, let's just take a minute to think about this. Jessie was no fan of Lydia's. He was going to knock her out and take Natalie to the final two. And now Lydia's friends with Natalie and putting her stock in the losing side of the competition. Jeff took her OFF the block, and she wants to dig her fingernails into his face. What is wrong with this girl? Seriously!
Later, Michele spots Lydia and tells her to wear her unitard, bitch, which makes Lydia all manner of crazier, and Michele, who had so earnestly begged for a nicer, kinder house, smirks like a bad guy cartoon character. Not that I blame her, because hell, Lydia started with the low blows and crazy talk and I say, gloves off, girls.
To get even, Lydia does the adult thing, which is pouring out Michele's beer and ordering her to go back to being a scientist no one cares about. Which tells you that, drunk, Lydia is no better at delivering a zinger than she is sober.
Drunkypants then stomps around the house and tells Russell to vote her out, and Russell laughs malevolently and refuses, which does not help matters. Then, it's time for Drunkypants to scream at Jeff, who can't understand why there's so much yelling. So Lydia yells mroe. And she challenges Michele to a fight to determine the bigger woman, which I don't quite understand, then she orders Jeff to go into the DR alone with her, which could mean she wants sex RIGHT NOW or she wants to beat him up or she wants to sing songs to the diary cam, who knows, she's just so damn drunk.
Unable to talk sense to Drunkypants, Jeff yells at Natalie and Kevin that they need to control their friend, to which they shrug. Jordan complains that Lydia called her a fat ho, which I didn't catch the first time, what with all the swearing, but it's only then I realize, huh, Jordan's put on a few since the first week, hasn't she?
Finally, after some more schoolyard taunting that's almost embarrassing to relate, much less listen to, it's time to see Jordan's HOH room. Lydia doesn't go, which Kevin says is a good thing, because she “can't control herself right now.” Jordan shows off her pictures then reads a letter from her mom and cries, because her mom is her best friend, which Jeff thinks is adorable but he won't think is so cute when they get married and his mother-in-law is living with them and, possibly, sharing their marital bed. Jordan tells us she's been sharing a bed with her mom for two years, which I'm sure has to do with finances, but really, at 22, just find a friggin' roommate. In the letter, Jordan's mom tells her to watch the potty mouth, which I only agree with to the extent that when she swears too much, I miss stuff.
It's now time for Lydia to slip into her Captain Unitard outfit, which is actually totally cute on her. So, all that bitching for nothing. Go figure.
Then, it's the nominations ceremony. Can you predict this? Yeah, I know. So let's just get to it.
Michele is safe. Lydia is smiling like a serial killer. Jeff is safe. Natalie is sad. Kevin is safe. Lydia is scowling. Natalie is sad. Russell is safe. Natalie is pouty, like she didn't actually expect this from cute little Jordan or something.
In explaining her decision, Jordan says she's just taking Lydia up on her request to get voted out of the house, and then she tells Natalie she's a strong player, to which Natalie replies she intends to win the POV, to which I say, yeah, because you've won so much so far.
Lydia is not shocked by this, but she will fight and will not let “them” drive their wicked bus over her, which suggests we will have another lunatic removed from the house and possibly placed in a psychiatric ward very soon. And since the announcer promises an “action-packed special episode!” on Thursday, well, I may not be wrong.
Do you think Chima should have been evicted? Do you think Jordan and Jeff will be the final two? And if you know, what the hell is wrong with Lydia?