Welcome to "Big Brother", otherwise known as "Revenge of the Nerds: Home Edition."
As the evening gets started, I'm betting Laura is really, really wishing she'd shut her damn trap about Darth Ronnie, since going up against sweet, vacuous Jordan pretty much guarantees she's out on her butt. But Darth Ronnie's devious little plan could backfire – and big – next week. Russell, who so admired his goober buddy a few days ago, seems to have figured out the geek has slapped a target on his back, even though Ronnie didn't put him on the block this week. And as much as everyone hates Russell, they're all starting to smell something stinky in the Ronnieland. Russell may be a bully, but he's far less dangerous than this conniving, backstabbing dork, and it's starting to look like everyone knows it.
In the confessional, Kevin seems absolutely tickled that the popular kids are on the outs, while Casey is heartbroken that Ronnie didn't grab his chance to send Russell packing. Well, at least neither of them has anything to worry about this week.
Jordan, smarting from Ronnie's betrayal and feeling none too confident as the pawn this week, gets all cuddly with Jeff on the patio, and Jordan reveals that she thinks Jeff is a boy version of her. But she kinda treats him like a girl version of her, asking him to braid her hair, which is just one step removed from asking him to wear her underpants or walk around in her high heels.
Laura, putting on her tough girl face, reveals in the confessional that she loves Jordan but will take her out at the knees, then tries to persuade Ronnie she could be his ally. Ronnie listens carefully, wearing his wise Al Pacino Godfather face, which really just looks fat and doughy, then gives her a homework assignment to sway Jessie, who hates her. Good luck with that, girlie.
But Ronnie is apparently giving Laura's offer some thought, and decides to test the waters on a Jordan ouster with a few of the suck-ups gathered in his HOH room. But Ronnie apparently forgets that Nathalie is one of those suck-ups and he makes the big, fat mistake of saying he wishes he'd given Russell the boot.
Suddenly, the pieces of Ronnie's nasty little plot start coming together fast and furious as Nathalie stomps out of the room and the guinea pigs start coming together to kibbitz on the patio. When Natalie asks Laura if Ronnie had promised he had the votes to keep her in the game, Laura suggests Russell and Ronnie be brought out of the house for a lie-off. Oh yeah, this should be good.
Laura, sensing doom but determined to bring Ronnie down with her, accuses him of lying about her while sniffling back tears.
You'd think Darth Ronnie would bust out his famous two-faced book o' lies, but the guy doesn't even defend himself, probably because he's talked so much crap at this point he can't keep his lies straight anymore. Then, right before his very eyes, the entire house turns on him. All we'd need to make this more dramatic is a SWAT team descending on the house or a bunch of mobsters busting in to level the score. That's how ugly this gets.
Once Russell puts two and two together (which is not easy for this guy, let me tell you – there are houseplants that might outthink our man Russell), he turns on his former geek buddy with a vengeance not usually seen outside of suburban high schools. He smells a rat, and he isn't shy about telling Ronnie that he knows he's the rat. And he intends to bully him and tease him every moment of the day until he can shove his ass right out the door. And let me just say, Russell knows a little something about physical intimidation, because he isn't shy about getting all up in Ronnie's face, and you can see his Machiavellian cool completely dissolve as his main concern becomes not wetting his pants on national TV.
Knowing that Russell won't leave him alone for a moment, Ronnie barricades himself inside the HOH room and basically does what most teenage girls do after a break-up, which is cry and eat junk food. The most eye-rollingly dorky moment is when Russell weeps over his wife's dorky Christmas photo, begging it for guidance. Wifey, it seems, is his best friend and, possibly, his mommy, because Ronnie just knows Wifey would tell him what to do, and I would hope one thing Wifey would tell him to do is stop being such a girl, but whatever. The guy needs a WWWD bracelet (What Would Wifey Do?) and, oh yeah, a spine, which apparently is made of the same goo that makes up that enormous gut of his.
Julie Chen then tells us Ronnie is called the Square Root of All Evil, and I'm just wondering who is saying that, because most of the people in the house don't seem to know what a square root is, but okay. Then, Julie asks Ronnie why he was stupid enough to play one group against the other, and he prattles on about having a true alliance to the athletes, which must be the little lie he tells himself when he thinks Russell is going to break down and whip his ass, assault charges be damned. Then, Julie asks him about being a big baby hiding in the HOH room for 48 hours, although she doesn't use the words big baby but they're implied, and he says something else horribly dorky (duh) about doing it to generate sympathy, which I'm sure is how villagers feel before they set the town pervert on fire, but usually, I suspect, they throw their torch into the mix anyway.
So, time to kick someone out of the house. Jordan is the first to plead her case, and she says everyone is "so Gucci" and no hard feelings and acts very cute and blonde and really, kicking her out of the house would be like killing a hamster or something.
Laura takes her turn, and she makes a dig about lies and deceit then says equally happy, smiley things and sits down, which is about all she can do at this point because she is so toast.
Then, the votes. And it's really, really fun to watch people walk up and down a hallway for what feels like 20 minutes but is probably much less.
Jeff picks Laura. Jessie picks Laura. Natalie picks Jordan. Casey picks Laura. Russell picks Laura. Kevin picks Laura. Lydia picks Laura. Chima picks Laura. Michele picks Laura. So, it's all Laura. The pawn lives to be blonde again.
The bad news is broken, and Laura, a little sniffly but chin held high, grabs her bag, doles out some hugs, and takes her hoochie dress out the door. As much as she looked like the Girl Most Likely To Do Porn After High School, I have to say Laura was much, much smarter than she dressed. She understood the game, even if she couldn't keep her mouth shut long enough to really play it, but give her credit – I think she will accomplish her goal of bringing Ronnie down with her, and kudos to her if it happens.
In the Q&A with Julie, Laura fingers Jordan as the person who told Ronnie she was onto him, but not in a mean way, and really, Laura doesn't seem to hold a grudge against her – she just knows sweet little Jordan has no game whatsoever. She also, rightly, suspects Ronnie took her down because it was so easy, given that Jessie clearly hated her.
Then, she gets her good-bye messages, which are a mixed bag at best. Ronnie says she has diarrhea of the mouth, which seems to be the pot calling the kettle black, but hey, he'll get his next week. Casey respects her. Russell will miss pool time and gives her credit for being bright, which seems pretty sincere. Jordan just loves her bunches. Kevin says hey, you never asked me not to vote for you, which is apparently his way of saying this is all your fault, don't let the door hit you on the ass as you leave.
Then, it's on to determining next week's HOH, which is done through an incredibly boring ski-ball contest. It lasts much too long, and it comes down to Jessie and Jeff, and Jessie wins, and I'm thinking, crap, he's HOH again? Well, that adds a whole lot of nothing new to the house.
It's time to go, but first Julie has to rub it in that Casey missed his son's first birthday and isn't he a crap father, but Casey doesn't blubber about it and promises that his kid will go to a fine college if he wins, which is really the right attitude. Because with all the backstabbers and vipers in the house, even a second of weakness sniffling about your baby boy, not a good idea.
Do you think Ronnie should go? Do you think Jordan or Laura should have been kicked out? And do you think Russell is going to beat the crap out of Ronnie next week?