Just want to state this up front – when Laura the trashy bikini model says everyone hates her because of the way she looks, I'd like to say that's only half true. Personally, I do hate her, but I hate her because she had the unmitigated gall to say something like that, not because of the way she looks. Any bimbo can buy plastic boobs, crazypants.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get down to business. After all, that's exactly what they're doing in the Big Brother house. Once previous contestant Jessie walks in the door as HOH and the Brains and the Off-Beat commence quietly freaking out, it's clearly game on, and our little guinea pigs are running around in a state of smiley-faced panic.

Off-Beat Kevin, of course, can't even fake that he's okay with Jessie, though his teammate Lydia goes into suck-up hysteria mode almost immediately, giggling and mooning over him like a starving P.O.W. desperate for a crust of bread from a sadistic guard. If Jessie is snowed by a woman who clearly seems to be fighting her own gag reflex to tell him he's "epic" and a potential stand-in for Zeus, well... actually, he really is dumb and egotistical, so it might work fine. You go, Lydia. Just try not to throw up on his shoes.

Brain Ronnie, like Lydia, is desperately trying to kiss Jessie's ass, going so far as to tell Jessie he's excited he's in the house because no one else has expressed interest in doing "a workout thing." I'm not sure what Ronnie means by that, except maybe he's thinking of a workout including stuffing your face with Twinkies or exercising your thumb muscles for longer XBox 360 play. The guy literally looks like he's one step away from his muscles and skeleton dissolving from lack of use and becoming a human version of a boneless chicken breast. Nice try, Ronnie.

But Ronnie doesn't get a no from Jessie when he makes a daring proposal for the athletes and the brains to join forces, which actually makes a certain amount of sense. And, while Jessie seems quietly disgusted by Ronnie's oozing geekiness, he does appear to seriously mull this over. Thank God Ronnie left his natterings on about rebel alliances and other Star Wars nonsense for the interview room though, because Jessie probably would not have been able to contain his natural bullying instinct and would have given Ronnie a brain-damaging noogie.

After this fleeting moment of strategic gameplay, we get to eavesdrop on the housemates whining about their high school years. Ronnie hated high school – surprise! Popular Jordan, who seems to be either a chronic stoner or possibly not the brightest bulb, liked everybody and everybody liked her, which really suggests she wasn't paying attention.

Lydia and Kevin didn't like high school either, but Lydia is full of helpful ideas on how Kevin can bond with Jessie. She suggests Kevin tell Jessie he can clearly see he's a man of substance (which he's NOT) and he isn't the musclehead egotist he seems to be (although he IS) and they really have so much in common (which they DON'T). Kevin, not surprisingly, doesn't seem all that convinced by Lydia's pitch, but the poor girl actually seems to have tried so hard to convince herself Jessie is something other than a complete tool she's taken a mind-altering slug from the crazy Kool-Aid. Oh, yeah.

But I will say Jessie has moments of surprising lucidity, when he isn't ripping off his shirt and hooting like a mental patient and kissing his own muscles. He points out that being HOH is like kissing your best friend's girlfriend, which is initially hot and exciting but can have serious repercussions. Which he probably learned the hard way.

When Jessie can't get Jeff to pick a sucker for him to evict, he finds his soul mate in Russell, who is just as determined to win at any cost as he is. Surprisingly, Russell thinks the biggest threat is... Lydia. So, all that kissing up may be pretty useless for her, which is a shame, because I think she's brainwashed herself into believing she's in love with the lunkhead.

Following in Lydia's footsteps, Laura also tries to kiss Jessie's ass by saying he's the best looking guy in the house, which causes him to immediately distrust her. Which is a bit of a shock, since I would have assumed he'd just grunt, grab her by the hair and drag her off to his HOH room, but go figure.

It's only when Jessie and Natalie play chess and Natalie emerges as an incredibly childish sore loser that we discover the true way to win Jessie's heart, which is by refusing to shake his hand and threatening to take him out. He even says she's a "baller" and he sees many of the same (disgusting) qualities in her that he sees in himself. Oh, love.

Later, Natalie tells Jessie she's down with the Ronnie alliance, but things only get interesting when Jessie, Ronnie, Natalie and Chima have a powwow. Natalie suggests that the best way to cover up their alliance is for one of the brains to be a pawn. Ronnie eagerly throws Michele under the bridge, then suggests that Chima, who's none too thrilled with the idea, take the fall. It's a dangerous negotiation, but hey, this game just got interesting!

Then, it's time for a competition. Jessie, wearing ridiculous hot pink wrestling leggings, explains that the losers of the first-even Have And Have Not competition will have to endure a "grueling" week of the worst conditions ever, which sounds scary enough. But not nearly as scary as everyone being dressed in neon war paint, which gave me bad ‘80s flashbacks.

The contest is to make "your psychedelic wheel spin" by piping juice to it, which seemed like a lock for the Brains. Especially when Popular Jordan explained that describing a joint as being at 180 degrees wasn't "speaking English" while Braden said that the task required "a lot of physics." Sigh. Of course, a Brains win would be assuming the Brains weren't totally clumsy and incapable of communicating, and they, of course, lose miserably.

For this shameful act of loser dorkiness, they were told they have to eat gruel for a week, suffer through cold showers and sleep in a crappy bedroom, which sent Princess Chima off on a pouty baby fit, although it was hard to blame her once we saw the "insane asylum" bedroom. But she really didn't need to prattle on about her diva self. I'm guessing at this point, Jessie is really rethinking the whole Brains alliance if he was ever serious about it in the first place.

Then, we have an unnecessary bikini contest, which only gives Jessie an opportunity to tell us whatever Laura is selling he isn't buying, which may have something to do with the fact she looks a little like Seabiscuit. Jessie instead invites Lydia to give him a back massage, and is actually resistant to putting her up for elimination when Russell and Natalie urge him to name her, which makes me think... he kinda likes her? OMG, this is SO "Pretty in Pink"!

Oh... well, actually, no. Chima doesn't get a key, and neither does Lydia, who promptly bursts into tears. Jessie, of course, shrugs off the whole debacle, saying something about backstabbing being part of the game and outrunning bears. Alright, that's more like high school!

Do you think Lydia should have been put up for elimination? Do you think Princess Chima will be the first to go? And do you think Jessie plans to betray the Brains?