Honestly, I don't know how BB could live up to Thursday's near perfect episode (Chima and Russell unleashed their full-bore crazy on one another, Jeff and Jordan got jiggy with it as Ronnie farted and begged for mercy and, oh yeah, Ronnie waddled out of the house in disgrace). Really, what could happen tonight to improve on that? A comet hitting the BB house? Julie Chen giving birth live on the air? A Jordan and Jeff sex tape courtesy of CBS? An entirely weird and random visit from Jeremy Piven and Chima's revelation about a close encounter with a serial killer? Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Straight off, Chima is all hella lot of gloating about her HOH title, which makes Russell kind of want to kill himself. After all, he went toe to open-toe pump with the diva on Thursday, so he now knows he's going to have to lavish hearfelt kisses on her butt to keep his head off the block – although I don't really think there's anything he can say to Chima that's going to spare him accept maybe asking for her hand in marriage, since she is the crazy jealous type and, if this were a romantic comedy, all that hate would really mean she likes him. Lydia is no more optimistic than Russell and is preparing herself to be nominated for a third time. As she points out, her arch nemesis is also Chima's best friend – Nathalie – so, yeah, time to pack a bag.
Just when I'm starting to feel bummed out about how this week will go, Jeff reminds us that, oh yes, Chima can suck it because he has the power of Coup D'Etat, and he's going to use it, you betcha. Can't wait for the close-up on Chima's face when she discovers she might as well have been HOH of "Sober House" this week for all the good her powers are going to do her.
Of course, Chima hasn't forgotten about "the wizard" living in the house, which Jordan explains to us is everyone's clever name for the one holding a mysterious power – and, of course, is Jeff. So, Jordan doesn't know it yet, but she's definitely bedding down with the right guy for even more reasons than she thought. Studly AND all powerful, what a combo!
Jeff loves having the mystery power, and somehow manages to stop himself from hopping onto a table and yelling, "Nyah, nyah, I've got you, suckas!" when Nathalie starts promoting the idea that whoever has the power would be stupid to use it. Which pretty much tells us that Nathalie is scared crapless that it will be used against her. Which I'm really hoping it will be. Newsflash – Jeff is going to use it, and he will use it wisely, or so he tells us.
Everyone scuttles off to gossip in their bedrooms like particularly chatty mice, and Michele and Lydia bond over the fact they think they're both going on the block, while Chima and Nathalie bond over deviously plotting about who Chima should kick out the door. Nathalie pushes for Russell, but admits she doesn't think he'd put up either of them, which is borderline delusional or wishful thinking, if you ask me.
It's time for Chima to show off the HOH room, which has lots of family pictures and a basket full of Pringles. Chima gets a letter from her mom, who is apparently ill, and for a minute Diva Chima actually exposes herself as part human while reading the letter aloud, which pretty much guarantees any sympathy we may feel for her now will be canceled out by some witchy thing she does in the next fifteen minutes. Just saying.
Michele is happy that there's a female HOH, even if it has to be Chima, and she decides to kiss the butt of the queen. Chima admits she doesn't want to put up any of the women of the house because she wants a woman to win, which would be more heart-warmingly grrl power of her if we didn't know, duh, that woman is her and her alone, and she feels pretty sure she can kick chick ass. Still, even though it seems obvious that Russell should be on her short list, she thinks he may still be an ally, which means she has no clue how annoying she's been for the last week.
Then, it's time for Russell to kiss Chima's ass (unfortunate HOH side effect – chafing). Which, let me tell you, does not start out well. Not only do they not snuggle up in bed together but instead perch in opposing semi-comfortable chairs like Clinton chatting up Kim Jong Il, Chima reminds Russell that she's said before if she ever gets HOH he's first on her nominations list, and for personal reasons. Russell apologizes for losing his cool and tells Chima he's no liar, which she isn't buying if the snarly look on her face is any indication. Russell gives her a hug, which looks like two angry panda bears grappling with one another, but he's hopeful she'll change her mind for some reason. Maybe he's hoping this is a cheesy romantic comedy, too.
Next up, we get to see Jeff and Jordan analyze the anatomy of spiders. Jordan decides spiders spin webs out of their butts, while Jeff thinks they shoot them out of their wrists, because in his world Spider-Man is 100 percent real. Then, they start talking about spider sex. And I feel my I.Q. drop about 5 points from having to listen to this.
Just when I thought I might doze off, we head on over to the recycling-themed room (conveniently covered in protective bubble wrap) where Chima is telling Michele, Jessie, Jeff and Kevin that she was raped by a serial killer. Wait, let me repeat that. Chima reveals she was raped by a serial killer, and says this in pretty much the same way you might share that you ate two donuts for breakfast when you're really on a diet. And, oh yeah, she fought back, he could have shot her, she had to have two surgeries to her face and the guy was executed.
After this little reveal, Kevin says he has a newfound respect for Chima, and I do, too, although I think, girlfriend. you may have wanted to tell us that instead of bitching about being a hardcore diva at the beginning of the show. Interesting that she reveals this now as HOH, though, which seems creepily calculated and I can't really say I'm sure what to think. Although, if you have to play a trump card, this is a good and mighty one.
Because no one in the house has anything to do except eat, cry or panic, Jordan tells Jeff she thinks the two of them are going up, and that she believes Michele has the mystery power. Jeff, of course, tries to reassure her everything will be fine and somehow manages not to whisper in her ear that he's the man, which she'd probably interpret as a come-on anyway.
Okay, then Jeremy Piven walks into the house. Wait, let me repeat that. Jeremy Piven walks into the house. What the F?
Everyone, of course, is thrilled to pieces, because they are so damn bored that analyzing the mating habits of spiders has become an entirely acceptable way to pass the time, so a real live person, hey, even better. Jeff reveals that Jeremy Piven is top 8 on his celebrity list, which is generous, considering Jeremy looks a little bit like he slept in his clothes and really needs a shave. Although I will give him big props for fingering Lydia as the girl most likely to lose it (ding, ding) in less than 11 minutes, which is pretty damn insightful.
The good news is that Jeremy Piven is dropping by for a reason other than looking for a date, and that's promoting his new movie, "The Goods." It is, of course, the reward in a luxury challenge. Everyone watches a trailer and laughs their asses off, because, again, they are so starved for entertainment they're one step away from building a fort from their toenail clippings.
Jeremy reveals one person will get a cash reward, and that he'd lose his mind if he had to live in the Big Brother house, and not even from mercury poisoning. Jessie then tries to actually make plans with Jeremy, an offer which he carefully sidesteps while looking for his publicist.
Then, we see the luxury challenge – stuffing junker cars full of crap. Jeff is heartbroken to be on a team opposite Jordan, to which I say, huh, clingy. Winners get to see the movie, losers become have-nots for the week. Chima has to pick one team she thinks will be the winners, and of course she chooses Jessie and Nathalie's team, because she's nothing if not loyal and strategic.
Oh, but let's not forget – the four members of each team also have to squeeze themselves into their junk-filled cars. Jessie tells us he weighs 200 pounds, has a 48-inch back and 18 inch arms, which made it difficult to get in the car, but was entirely worth it because it gave him a chance to tell us how buff he is.
Jessie, Nathalie, Russell and Jordan win the challenge, which makes Jeff want to go on a cigarette and coffee diet, which seems unnecessarily self-punishing, but whatever. Then, it's time for the winners to open their commission checks, and Russell wins $10,000. He's tickled, of course, but can't show it, since he doesn't want to invite the ire of his housemates. Which is unfortunate, because it's always nice to see a rageaholic happy.
After the challenge, Stalker Lydia decides to cuddle with Jessie, which doesn't seem to get Jessie hot and bothered since he tells her he can't breathe with her tattooed ass on top of him. Nathalie, sensing competition, walks in and orders Jessie to go get in bed with her. Jessie just shuffles off to his own bed, but he tries to make nice with Nathalie, who reluctantly accepts a hug and takes the opportunity to remind him that someday Lydia may win HOH and put her on the block, and somehow this will be all his fault, which I didn't completely understand, but they'd been outside in the hot sun stuffing crap into cars and I'm sure she was just tired. But apparently this crazy-ass rant was coherent enough to tick Jessie off, and he promises to stop talking with Lydia next week, but first he has to go mend fences with Lydia... so that he can burn them down next week. I'm going with sun exposure or a certifiable case of stir crazy, either one.
Chima, realizing that Jessie and Nathalie squabbling is not good for their alliance, decides that eliminating Lydia may just be the easiest way to restore harmony to the house, which is probably true.
Finally, it's time for Chima to pick her nominees. Michele is hopeful, Russell is resigned for good reason and Jordan is worried for no reason at all. Chima gives her nominations a good deal of thought, which is funny, because Jeff's just going to swoop in and do whatever he likes, but I'm glad she took it seriously.
It's key time! Nathalie is safe (duh), Jessie is safe (duh), Kevin is safe, Michele is safe, Jordan is safe and Jeff is safe. That leaves, you guessed it, Russell and Lydia. Chima tells Russell she has a problem trusting him, and that Lydia is joining him so she can't vote to keep him in the house.
Lydia whines about being a lone wolf and Chima being a mama bear with baby bears, which strikes me as an unfortunate mixed metaphor, but hey, she's stressed. Russell lets out a growl for the diary-cam and admits he is itching to open a can of whup-ass on some people in the house, but he's going to try to play the game and win people over with kindness, even if he's grimacing and snarling while doing it. Jessie is worried about the wizard or unicorn, and he should be, because Jeff's going to whip out his secret power after the POV competition, and you know this is going to be good.
Who do you think Jeff will put on the block? What did you think of Chima's revelation? And are you going to see "The Goods" or not?