Muddy models from 'America's Next Top Model'
Credit: The CW
When we last left the leggy, lithe young things of "ANTM" Cycle 16, Dalya had been sent packing (you’ll recall that her face was wearing her, not the other way around, or something like that), and that catty Alexandria had used up about three of her nine lives. The rest of the contestants had prayed to every McQueen-clad god in the fashion pantheon that Tyra and Co. would send Alexandra home -- along with her raging bitchiness -- but no dice. Alexandria has survived for six episodes. Let’s see whether she can tame her attitude and last for a seventh, shall we?
Tyra is waiting for the girls back at the house. Unfortunately, she does not bear a cure for Molly’s insidious weave. In fair exchange, Molly had a mini-meltdown. Tyra schools her by reminding her of “the whole pain-beauty thing,” which, apparently, is code for Shut Up Molly Don’t You Know That Kate Moss Hasn’t Eaten in Eleven Years.
Tyra then moves on to today’s lesson: Archetypes. Every girl is one, Tyra says: Gisele-esque Bombshell, Agyness Deyn edgy, and so on. Each girl steps up unto Tyra and decides which archetype she is. (So much for Linda Evangelista versatility.)
Anyway. With success will come renown, Tyra utters.
“Fame is going to come for this winner!” Tyra predicts. (Really, Tyra? Who won, say, ANTM Cycle 10? Exactly.) Then the girls practice their autographs. It’s unclear whether Alexandria signs hers in the blood of her rivals.
“I think it’s like crazy that I could have this fan base,” Hannah says. She is not alone.
Molly gets her weave removed. Unfortunately, Alexandria is still there.
So can the girls handle fame? Cue the next challenge! The girls have to go someplace teeming with real people and do whatever it takes to keep the masses pleased. A “personalized” dinner with Miss J. is the prize. (The real reward: The girls will be allowed to eat in front of someone in high fashion.)
Monique seems to be over it in 6.6 seconds. Alexandria, on the other hand, seems a bit too eager to please. When Monique offers up Alexandria to a fan who wants a kiss, Lex blabs on about her boyfriend before offering a peck on the cheek.
Poor form. Apparently, such kisses are a no-no, because, per Miss J., they can lead to stalking.
Kasia wins, and she chooses Jaclyn and Brittani to come with her. The losers, meanwhile, are ordered to clean up the “fan mess” left behind by the peons. Monique does a slow burn in her nude high-fashion heels.
“I hope they get food poisoning,” Monique whines about the winners. In the confessional, an increasingly bitter Molly makes her own sarcastic sour-grapes comments.
TyraMail! Again! “Oh, the tangled webs we weave,” it says. Brittani squeals at the thought of spiders. Then again, this bunch will pretty much squeal on cue anyway.
Poor Jaclyn gets stuck in a room with Monique, who is moaning and weeping about how, like, crappy her life is, living in a cool model apartment and getting weekly face time with Tyra like she is. It’s all so unfortunate.
Back to Smashbox with you lot. Jonathan Mannion will shoot the girls in two groups of four, blonds versus brunettes. The contestants will be wearing mud and, apparently, very little else. Alexandria declares that she feels that she came right out of the Earth. (Open letter to Alexandria: Yes. Hell is in the Earth.)
Molly and Hannah are in the middle and owning their shot, but Alexandria and Kasia fade into the background. When that doesn’t seem to work for Alexandria, she starts directing the other girls. Again. Mr. Jay calls Alexandria on it, and Alexandria knows she’s been called on it.
Mikaela knows she needs to smize more, but according to Mr. Jay, she still has trouble delivering sexy eyes. Jaclyn overacts a bit. And Monique is very uneven. Brittani gets the most praise.
“She has body positioning down,” the photographer notes. He even takes an individual shot of her, he likes her energy just that much.
Panel time! The special guest judge is a very fine-looking lady named Sonia Dara, a south Asian model.
First up: The brunettes. They get praise for working well together. Monique gets praised for having a nice neck, but the other girls, particularly Jaclyn and Brittani, clearly own the shot. Mikaela is smacked down as the weakest link.
As for the blonds, they’re pretty strong. Hannah gets praise for “emotional range,” per Andre Leon Talley -- a remark that spurs an eyeroll from an apparently jealous Monique. Molly has a weak eye, but she still looks great, as does Kasia. The weakest? Alexandria.
“You fell off this week,” Tyra notes.
The callout: Brittani, Kasia, Molly, Jaclyn, Hannah, Alexandria.
Bottom two: Monique and Mikaela.
Tyra scolds Mikaela for having “dead eyes,” and for not “holding on to the handlebars of fierceness.” Monique takes flak for being middling in every way.
Mikaela gets to stay, which means Monique and her attitude are sent home.
“I’m just like really shocked right now,” Monique whines. That makes one of us.
NEXT WEEK: Brittani has a breakdown in panel, but not before threatening to rip off Alexandria’s head.