Chelsey and Ann of 'America's Next Top Model'
Credit: The CW
Welcome back to the latest in the adventures of the Ann the Ent, in which she shambles through the forests of Lothlorien, befriending hobbits and ... wait, what? This is not a show about slow-talking sentient redwoods who can speak and so forth?
Whatever. I have no idea what I’m watching right now. I’ll just recap whatever I see.
The remaining wannabe models, including top dark horse contender Ann, are given Cover Girl eye makeup kits and then hauled off to a Wal-Mart in wee of pre-dawn. They have to know the product and do some spokesmodeling for a gaggle of young shoppers. Very young. As in, little children, accompanied by a few adults and several very bleary looking teenagers.
Ann looks like she needs to be watered.
Kasey, Kayla and Esther seem to know what they’re doing, chirping through their presentation with approachable aplomb. Chris, however, overpowers Liz and Chelsey, who fumes through the gap in her tooth.
The entire time, fashion writer Derek Blasberg stands off to the side in a deceptively pleasant-looking lavender-on-lavender ensemble, taking notes and silently judging the contestants on their, you know, flair. The child and teen audience is then polled on who did the best.
Ann gets thrashed as being “not present” by Lavender Man; she gets the lowest score of the bunch. Kayla scores for being real, as does Kasey, of all people, who achieves the highest score. The prize: A shopping spree in the Cover Girl aisle at Wal-Mart, which is valued at something like four dollars and eighteen cents. For knowing how to actually wear the makeup, Esther gets a bonus prize, a gift card.
The next TyraMail mentions a “walk of fame,” a strong hint that Hollywood Boulevard will be the backdrop for the elimination challenge. Actually, the girls end up on Rodeo Drive, which is in Beverly Hills and not Los Angeles, but whatever. They’re getting shot by Patrick Demarchelier, who offers the hopeless advice of just relax, it’ll be fine. It all sounds much more authoritative when uttered in a French accent.
Stylist Lori Goldstein hand-picks the outfits for each girl. The contestants are then grouped. Poor Chelsey is paired with Ann, who, of course, dominates every shoot she does and can do no wrong by the judges.
Tyra pops up in the middle of the shoot to deliver some air kisses before we can forget that this is her show.
Kacey sleepwalks through the shoot. Jane is hit with the dreaded epitaph of being “a bit too commercial” by Demarchelier. Ann and Chelsey are both so nervous they practically squash the male model sandwiched between them. Kayla is given shoes that are too small, and she has trouble, apparently, play through the pain, allowing Esther to move in like a stealthy little ninja and impress Patrick.
Kendal totally owns her shoot, soaking up the attention and earning rather unexpected comparisons to Sarah Jessica Parker. Chris also appears to be in her element. “I’m no diva,” she declares, “but today I feel like one.”
Panel time! Kendal gets mad praise from Patrick, but Liz is outshone in the group shot and looks totally fake in her individual photo. Kayla looks too sad to impress Andre Leon Talley, though Esther looks engaging. Chris doesn’t do it for anyone in her group shot but has great energy in her solo.
Jane finally gets a good shot -- actually, two. She looks very “French,” per Patrick. Kacey’s winning personality isn’t coming across in her photos, though.
The judges adore both Chelsey and Ann in their group shot. Andre also freaks out over Ann’s individual photo: “Beyond! Beyond everything ever that you’ve done!”
Poor, poor Chelsey.
There are also beauty shots. Liz does well in those because she lets her personality shine through. But really, none of that matters. Why? Why do you think, fools?
In the callout, Ann is picked first -- once again. That’s followed by Jane, Kendal, Esther, Chris, Chelsey, Liz.
The bottom two: Kayla and Kacey. That’s right, Kacey, the challenge winner and the mortal enemy of every other girl in the house. And Kayla, who was so promising, like three minutes ago.
Kayla gets to stay, but the darling of Wal-Mart must go home.
Do you love Ann, hate Ann or fear Ann's freakish powers?