Here comes The Tyra Banks Reality Show -- I mean, heh, whoops, "America’s Next Top Model!" And for our cycle opener, we get a sequence featuring the star of the whole show! No, not the model all-stars, silly! Tyra Banks, the person you really want to see! Because Tyra Banks says so! So anyway, Tyra is in bed, and she’s having a dream, and it’s totes more interesting than the Fiat commercial that comes right afterward featuring that J. Lo person nobody’s ever heard of!
 
Actually, maybe it’s good that Tyra is taking up so much space, because, in case you haven’t put it together, this cycle is all about the “all stars” of previous seasons -- including megabitches Bianca, Angelea, Camilla, Alexandria, Lisa “I Always Knew I Was A Star” D’Amato and Bre. We also have Isis, Dominique, Sheena, Kayla the Proud Lesbian, Allison and Shannon, who thinks that posing nude is a dirty, filthy shame.
 
She should go about as far as she did the first time.
 
Mr. Jay arrives at the Top Model house. Bianca calls it family reunion, but do not delude yourself, honey: Mr. Jay is not your daddy. He is nothing like you. He has an actual career, for one. Anyway, Jay announces the first photo shoot, in which the girls must pose as larger-than-life versions of their personalities. Bianca gets a hideous red weave to match her nasty, bloodthirsty inner self. Bianca, who says she’s a professional model with the Ford agency, seems like she’s about to be reduced to tears by a few ugly hairs. The photographer calls her shoot amateurish.
 
Allison, however, pleases the photographer with her lollipop eyes, and her lollipop. Bre looks especially beautiful, but Camille gets more praise for working her “diva” look. (Is there anyone on this cycle not a diva?) Kayla rocks a big gay flag dress. Brittany the party girl lacks her inner party. Country girl Laura grabs a fishin’ pole and works it.
 
Then comes Venus, who, finally, can pose in a bikini without having to hide any bits. But she has stiff competition from Lisa and the others. 
 
Shannon. Oh, Shannon. She won’t even do underwear, girl! Bathing suit, sure. Just not underwear, even if the underwear covers more than the bikini she puts on. Mr. Jay does not understand this logic and questions Shannon further, which causes her to break down in tears. Shannon claims she has agents in Chicago who totally respect her judgy uptight misguided ways. But she’s in Mr. Jay’s house, now. 
 
“She’s still a little confused,” Mr. Jay says.
 
A live judging panel is next. The venue: LA Live. The guest judge: Nicki Minaj
 
Lisa is up first. The audience seems to like the shot of her jumping in the water. Allison fears a negative crowd, but her shot rocks, and so does her Bo Peep outfit. Angelea is next. Her shot is as ‘hood as the judges want.
 
Here comes Camille. She manages to show a softer side to her inner diva. And, hey, her legs have improved! Dominique is still a man, baby, but she’s recently had a kid, so what is this I don’t even. 
 
Shannon arrives riding a wave of her own smug self-righteousness. She gets questioned again for not wearing the underwear.
 
Alexandria gets booed and called a bitch by strangers as she struts up to the judges. Her surfer girl photo does her no favors, either. Harlem Sheena shows up in vintage harem pants. Genius! But her photo is amateur hour. Dreckitude!
 
Brittany needs to show off her legs more.
 
Isis is next. For the four thousandth time, we learn that Isis was born in the wrong body. Her photo is fine. As for Bianca, she delivers a stunning, almost vintage-y shot. 
 
Oh! Here comes Bre! In a wifebeater! And she’s filling it out a bit much, to be honest. Anyhoo, she delivers a cliche high-school photo that only Minaj likes.
 
Enter the lesbian, Kayla. Minaj is meh on her, doesn’t like that she’s making a fist, of all things. People love the country girl, though. Laura still wears her grandmama’s clothes, too! 
 
“You take hee-haw and make it high fashion!” Andre Leon Talley raves.
 
She sure does know how to work a pole. A fishin’ pole!
So who goes home?
 
The callout: Isis, Allison (the crowd favorite), Camille, Lisa, Angelea, Laura, Bre, Bianca, Shannon, Dominique, Sheena, Kayla.
 
Bottom two? Brittany and Alexandra. Brittany gets harshed on for being too overbearing in front of the judges, yet totally unmemorable with the crowd. Alexandria gets called out for spurring catcalls.
 
Alexandria gets to stay, but only because she brings “polarity.” In other words, let ‘em hate you, just don’t let ‘em forget you.
 

In a clear swipe at Lisa, Brittany wonders aloud whether she should have peed in a diaper to get more people to learn her name.

 

What'd you think of the "Top Model: All-Stars" premiere?