Kristin Cavallari of "America's Next Top Model"
Credit: The CW
Sheena has prowled back to parts unknown, taking her Kimora Lee dreams with her. What does this all mean, yo? As we open this next episode of the campiest "ANTM" cycle ever, we receive an interpretation from Lisa: It means -- cue digital drum roll -- no one is safe.
And here comes a brand new OMG, girl! Kristin Cavallari
has sashayed her bad-girl butt into the Top Model house to talk about how to deal with haters! The takeaway: Just be a bitch, gurl, because it can earn you sick cash! Bre listens to all this and realizes the obvious: If Kristin Cavallari can be a star, so can she.
The first challenge arrives, and it’s related to the correspondent gig that the cycle winner will get. The girls must answer “tough questions” lobbed by Extra meatstick Mario Lopez. The models split into two teams; the winning team will be safe from elimination, Survivor-style. Let’s not forget last week, when we were all assigned our brands, ladies!
Lisa bounces around and thinks that’s an answer to a question. Isis has been studying her public speaking; she sounds a bit more pageant-queen than her last cycle -- almost as Miss America as Camille. Alexandria manages to finesse her bitchiness into a decent interview.
Bianca sounds like she’s still in 7th grade, I’mma speak my mind, blah blah blah. Allison is the biggest surprise; there’s a personality behind those big googly eyes. Her team wins: Bianca, Bre, Kayla, Camille, Allison and Shannon are safe this week.
Poor Angelea: She’s given terrible advice advice by Simon, who, essentially, tells her to be more ghetto and less poised in her interviews. To repeat: Rotten, rotten advice, Simon. Angelea is understandably confused. It’s not like Tyra talks street in her interviews, either.
A new TyraMail mentions “long legs,” and the girls are instantly freaked out about the possibility of posing with, ewwwww, spiders. But no! Back at Siren studios, a trio of stilt walkers greets the contestants ahead of their next photo shoot. And the stilt people are dancing!
“I don’t even dance on the ground, let alone stilts,” says Shannon in a revelation that surprises exactly no one.
And oh: Bianca is as afraid of heights as she was in China in Cycle 9. And, yes, like the rest of the girls, she must get up on stilts and make like a high-fash mannequin.
Dominique doesn’t quite know what to do with her face while modeling next to Kayla.
Camille doesn’t think transgender Isis should outclass her, on stilts or otherwise. This means that Isis must bring it, but she leaves it at home instead. For whatever reason, Isis doesn’t seem to have any fun until after the cameras stop clicking.
Bianca cries hysterically in the moments before she’s paired with Lisa and thrown into the circus arena. Lisa kills it, leaping and moving all over the place, while Bianca’s fear nearly makes her disappear.
Allison also outshines Angelea, who tries to explain away her mediocrity by saying she has no muscle strength.
Now for Alexandria. Her penchant for drama “gets old real fast,” as the photographer observes, but as a model, she makes some interesting chances opposite Shannon. Then again, anything is interesting opposite Shannon.
Panel time! Cavallari is back as the guest judge.
Shannon and Alexandria look “very Lady Gaga,” per Andre Leon Talley, with Alexandria getting more props for taking risks.
When Angelea comes up next, she confronts Nigel on just what the frack he wants. The answer still isn’t clear, but she scores points for asking the question. Angelea’s photo with Allison rocks. However, her positioning, particularly her “booty tooch,” puts her over the top. Between Dominique and Kayla, Dominique belongs in Andre’s salon.
Well hello, Camille can model, if only a little bit. Certainly better than Isis, who is next to invisible even though she’s in the same frame. Bre and Laura deliver a terrific, creative shot. Kristin thinks Bre doesn’t have enough expression in her face, but is she a model? No.
Now comes Lisa.
“Do you ever have your photo taken with your legs together?” Nigel scolds. Well, no. But still, Lisa and Bianca both work together to deliver a fabulously 80s shot.
Among the safe girls, the callout: Allison, Bianca, Shannon, Bre, Kayla, Camille.
Among the endangered: Alexandria, Lisa, Laura, Dominique.
Bottom two: Angelea and Isis.
Isis gets a finger-wagging for delivering weaker and weaker photos. Angelea gets scolded for not being able to read Nigel’s mind.
But Angelea has a stronger photo, so she gets to stay. Isis and her Black Swan panel ensemble are sent packing.
Next week: The girls audition for a spot on CSI, but it’s Kayla who needs immediate medical attention.