We’ve come to the finale of the very first "Top Model" All-Star edition. It’s down to Allison, she of the big googly-moogly Muppet eyes; Angelea, the bus-depot-sleeping, socially challenged Buffalo girl; and Lisa, who is, well, Lisa.
 
The finale means we get to hear even more sob stories about the contestants. Lisa reveals that she’s been “performing my whole life” to break through a childhood cycle of emotional and physical abuse, which appears to be a prerequisite for Top Model championship.
 
Angelea reminds us of her rough upbringing in Buffalo. As for Allison, she insists that she is introverted and shy and that her dad died of cancer. We believe the part about her dad dying of cancer.
 
Lisa’s motion editorial is playing on a big screen in the Top Model house in Greece; Allison looks at it with her big Gollum eyes and declares herself threatened.
 
Here comes a shoot at the Blue Palace again! It’s going to be the set for the Cover Girl shoot and commercial! The footage that they shoot here will be featured in a national campaign. A woman named Paige Cali (for real) is a rep for Cover Girl, and she’s there on set, along with a stickler of a photographer named Nikos.
 
During hair and makeup, the girls are handed scripts and warned not to lean on the TelePrompTer, because real all-stars never use those, oh no no no. Lisa impresses Cali and delivers exactly what the client wants.
 
“Lisa’s eyes looked absolutely breathtaking,” Mr. Jay raves, but too bad that Lisa can’t actually speak. I mean, she can speak, but she sounds like, in the words of Mr. Jay, a used-car salesperson.
 
Allison knows she needs to step up her game because her wall eyes could not save her during her last, disastrous Cover Girl shoot. But the light. The light! It’s too bright for Allison’s eyes, and she gets all teary and red-eyed. Still, she manages to deliver a decent shot ... with her eyes closed.
 
She also isn’t very believable when she speaks on camera, at least, at first. Eventually she musters a bit of energy and does OK.
 
Lisa really, really doesn’t want Angelea to win, but Lisa just might walk away disappointed, because Angelea is definitely the most relatable of the three girls during her commercial shoot.
 
A beachy shoot is next, and it’s ... for Vogue Italia! The girls go into hair and makeup. Angelea tells Allison, “You look so good. You look so different.”
 
Ouch?
 
Angelea appears a bit amateurish as the camera clicks, unlike Allison and Lisa, who kick butt in their tiny bikinis on the beach.
 
And just like that, it’s time for the final runway challenge. The girls meet Mr. Jay and are told about the runway: Each girl will walk down into a pool, fly in the air, and wear their personally designed dresses while their song is playing.
 
“It sounds very crazy, but I love stuff like that.”
 
Laura and Shannon return for the finale, too.
 
Lisa’s dress has laser-cut mirrors all over the bodice. Angelea’s dress has cap sleeves that double as little sleeves. But Allison probably has the prettiest dress, which is pale and lacy. Like ... her.
 
Angelea worries about getting in the water -- not because she’s afraid of water, but because of her hair, girl! Thanks, Angelea, for enforcing every stereotype endured by women of color since the dawn of time.
 
Get this: Mr. Jay is walking in this show too. He’s got rhinestones on his face, girl!
 
This. Is. Sparta.
 
The theme of the show is transformation from mortal to immortal, hence the dip in the pool followed by the flying.
 
Here comes Lisa. She steps into the water, and her hair blocks her vision. She ends up swimming all over the place. It just may count as animal cruelty. Still, she does OK with her catwalk and harness work.
 
Angelea is up next. She dives into the water, only to wrestle with the dime-store mask they put on her. When she debuts for flying time, she is only a little awkward. It’s all very drag show.
 
“She not at ease, her heart’s not settled yet,” Lisa observes.
 
Finally: Allison. She may not know how to keep her eyes open in the sun, but she can swim in a straight line. Walking, not so much. But she can swim.
 
It’s panel time! We now learn that one girl is disqualified: Angelea. What did Angelea do? Why is she disqualified? They won’t say, but the competition now comes down to Allison and Lisa.
 
So who becomes "America’s Next Top Model" All-Star?
 
Allison is judged first. Nigel likes her elegant swimming, but not her walk. As for Lisa, “in the water, you were a mess,” Nigel says. Her walk, though? Awesome. And the audience loved her performance on the runway.
 
Allison’s commercial is stunning, despite the fact that she can’t keep her eyes open. Lisa sounds like a Valley Girl on Klonopin, and The Tyra is not amused.
 
“Where’s Lisa, where’s daring? It felt safe for me,” Tyra complains.
 
Allison’s beauty still is lackluster, or “vacant,” as Tyra says. Lisa’s Cover Girl still shows only one eye. One eye! For a Cover Girl eye makeup shoot! And it works!
 
So who wins? Allison, with her sun-shunning planet eyeballs, or Lisa, who is clearly the whole package, if not a little cocky? The second half of the Modelland motion editorial us thrust upon us, and we learn that it is ...
 
Who do you think?
 
Lisa!
 
“I’m not gonna let any one of you down,” Lisa says ... in a veiled reference to Angelea, perhaps?
 
Hey, good for you, Lisa.
 
But seriously, what the hell happened with Angelea?
 
 
Did the right person win? And what the heck, Angelea?