Somebody found Ashlee Simpson!
Credit: The CW
Now that what’s-her-name has been sent home (goodbye, young lady, we literally hardly knew ye), it’s time for Angelea to celebrate. Her soul feeds on the misery of other skinny girls, and that’s according to real live scientists. Martin Lindstrom, a “brand strategist,” and his client, Tyra, arrive at the house to tell the girls how to sell themselves. (To the modeling industry, silly!)
Lindstrom brings a fan poll indicating what the little people like and don’t like about each girl. Sheena learns that she’s self-delusional about the sexiness she thinks she has; instead she is to think of herself as “unexpected.” And get this: Lesbianness is so five years ago, Kayla! She’s, like, offended! Which she shouldn’t be, because she’s one of the most talented models among the Olds. And, given that this season is called All Stars, make no mistake ladies: In this industry, you old. Kayla is given the word “free.”
Shannon is dubbed “trustworthy,” as in, trust her to never take her clothes off. Dominique is the “survivor,” which translates in the fashion world, perhaps, as a model for REI? Not sure. Anyhoo, Allison gets “unique,” which, in high fashion, is gold, girl! Just ask that girl with the blond hair and the brown eyebrows, Agyness Deyn!
Angelea is associated with cheap shoes, which translates into “persistence.” Bre is the “girlfriend,” aka downmarket, which is disappointing, because that face has great range.
Laura? “Lovable.” Isis? “Inspiration.” Alexandria needs to toughen herself up if she’s going to learn to live with being a bitch, so her word is “tough.” Bianca gets assigned a softer word for “in your face,” which is “candid” in marketing-speak.
Bianca thinks that her new “candidness” should begin immediately, so she confronts Monique about allegedly talking behind her back, which did not happen.
Back down in the kitchen, Lisa holds up her own name card and asks, “Bianca has just changed into a different personality because she got this?”
At Siren Studios, Mr. Jay meets the girls for a photo shoot. Ashlee Simpson is there too, to oversee makeovers, which are now called “Ty-Overs.” Ashlee also announces that she’s in the studio again. (And the girls are all, “you don't scare us!” No they're not, but maybe they are, in their heads.)
This Ty-Over also includes skin care and pedicures! Squee!
Alexandria lies and says she ready for anything. As it turns out, they’re hacking her hair. She’s a terrible actress in pretending to be overjoyed.
Isis is told by Bianca that’s she a tacky “weave” type, while Bianca calls herself classy, as in, “extensions.” The upshot: Isis looks classier after the exchange.
Sheena gets her hair spared, while Bre gets her poof tuned down. Without her hair, she has no confidence. She immediately summons forth a producer and orders her to go get her aunt, gurl, because she wants to leave! What happened to being a pro with a top modeling agency, hmm?
Lisa says she wants to keep her long hair. In Japanese, that translates into “cut it all off and make the girl cranky,” because the Japanese stylist immediately announces the hair must go.
Dominique is all, get a grip. Easy for you and your long hair to say, sheesh!
The Jays arrive with hot dogs from Pink’s. The girls must create their own Pink’s hot dogs for the photo shoot.
Oh wow, Laura looks like Reese Witherspoon and she works her shoot with aplomb. Poor Camille is humiliated when Mr. Jay says she needs to study Laura’s moves and even summons Laura to the set to coach Camille. Ouch.
Angelea is told she is at her most beautiful. Sheena shows her legs in, um, unexpected ways. She looks like has to pee. But the biggest pleasant surprise for Mr. Jay comes from the newly “candid” Bianca. She delivers fresh and fun shots.
Alexandria is crying again, this time because she’s sooooooo happy she has short hair. That means that she radiates "sad-happy," not "tough," though it all does pull together fairly glamorously.
Kayla, sadly, doesn’t seem to enjoy hot dogs. That interferes with her word, “free.” She would clearly love to be free of this set.
Lisa dares to eat a bunless hot dog. She pulls it off. Bre looks chic in her new haircut, but it’s no comfort to her. The drama hangs over her on the set.
Back at the house, Kayla discusses the fact that these shoots are not exactly bringing out the best in her gay self.
Panel time! The prizes are largely the same as last year -- a spread in Vogue Italia and Vogue.it, Cover Girl contract -- but also a gigs with Express and Extra.
Dominique the survivor does well, as does the “candid” Bianca, who does indeed look like a star. Shannon looks a bit cheesy, but, yeah, trustworthy. Camille looks like a Candie’s ad, and not in a good way -- very photo booth. She’s still way too pageant-queen.
Laura’s photo is “so lovable I feel like I shouldn’t be looking at it,” Nigel raves. Isis is so bad she might be good. Kayla doesn’t radiate freedom. Allison’s big fairy eyes serve her well in her photo. It’s almost twee.
Alexandria does fine. Sheena offers a pretty boring interpretation of “unexpected.” Angelea channels Sophia Loren, really! OMG, Lisa is wearing American flag pants. She has a shot with her mouth open full of food. But it’s fash!
Bre’s sadness has not faded. And sad is not your word, girl!
So who goes home? Before we find out, Tyra shaves Nigel’s newly grown head! With a face like his, I’m surprised this didn’t happen last episode. His face is too pretty to compete with all that hair.
Lisa, Bianca, Alexandria, Laura, Angelea, Dominique, Shannon, Allison, Isis, Bre, Camille.
Bottom two: Sheena and Kayla.
Sheena gets dinged for looking better in person than on film. Kayla maybe has too much freedom, or something, because nobody gets her. It’s all good, though, she gets to stay, and Sheena is sent home.
Next week: Mario Lopez gets some face time with the girls.