No, Bianca, you don’t need to work on your face. You need to work on your ALL OF YOU. Starting with your hag-like personality. You are a black hole where a sunny little model should be. Oh, Tyra, we’re into only the third episode of "America’s Next Top Model" Cycle 13, and I already have a girl I hate. And not a girl I love to hate. Just hate. 

[Full recap of Wednesday (Sept. 23) night's "America's Next Top Model" after the break...]

Here comes the first challenge thing: Learning how to catwalk while tiny. There to help is a tiny model. Like a really tiny model. A little girl model named Diva. Who knows how to model so much better than Bianca. Am I through thrashing Bianca? No. No I am not. Especially if she doesn’t go home. At the end. Of this episode.

So how does the teaching go? Brittany, she can’t seem to do sexy and mathematician at the same time while catwalking. Lulu can’t do happy and walking at the same time. But Rae, my God, so already looks like a model. Not the greatest walk, but still a supermodel in the making, I hope. Bianca walks down the runway and seems to impress Miss Jay.

Then comes a walk-off, walking in tandem. Stuff happens with that, but onto the next scene, where we get to see drama back at the Top Model house. Ooooh, gurl. Sundai is dishing to Bianca about how her friends really don’t like her and it’s as delicious as the spaghetti they’re pretending to eat. It’s so dishy that Lulu can’t stop talkin’ bout it later. 

Squeeee! More Tyra Mail! This cycle may be about celebrating our differences, and being short and successful, but only if you can pretend to be tall and not different at all. Got it? Good. Here’s the challenge: Go to Malibu. Go to a mansion. Squeeee some more for the producers. Then do a fashion show for LA-based designer Kevan Hall. Next to girls who are actual, real, fully tall models. Ann Shoket from Seventeen is also there to talk about the prize for the challenge: a spread in the magazine. Squeee indeed.

Sundai manages to keep pace with her assigned racehorse. Brittany seems a little startled and lemurlike but generally acceptable. Lulu lacks energy. Kara rocks because she always rocks. Bianca steps onto the runway and suddenly no light can escape.

Miss Jay critiques them afterwards. Brittany gets good marks. Lulu is asked to change her walk, which she has sworn she shall. Not. Do. Brittany wins the challenge and chooses Laura and Kara to do the shoot with her. Hoooo-eee! Laura is so country she’s gonna tell her mama, and all the cowhands, and hoooo-eeee!

But back at the Top Model house, it’s all sad. Bianca is in the hot tub and she confesses that she had a boyfriend who treated her bad. Nicole, of all people, is the one who opens her up. Ashley goes into the confessional and deems Nicole naive for speaking to Bianca. So in other words, Nicole spoke to Bianca and got sucked into her vortex of nothing. (For the record, Lulu and Ashley are like mini black holes. There. I have as fair as I need to be.)

Next challenge: The girls must use a studio set to make themselves look taller than tall models. 

Brittany was the first girl up and doesn’t impress. Kara shows the potential I always knew she had. Country Laura pulls herself out the fire. Lulu suffers her worst shoot ever. Why is that bad news? Because Bianca may not be going home. You knew that was coming.

Jennifer of the Wonky Eye masters her wonky eye. Nicole kills. Ashley merits a “pretty” from Mr. Jay.

And then here comes Sundai. And it appears that every day is Sundai. She rocks rocks rocks it and looks like the Attack of the 50 Foot woman. Erin does equally well.

And now comes Bianca. She is supposed to relax her face. Instead she ends up looking like The Exorcist. She thinks about Jesus for a second, and that gives her like two good frames.

Jamie Rishar is the guest judge for panel. She’s short and a model, so there you go. 

First girl to be judges is Erin. She gets big praise for legs, legs, legs. Bianca is next. Drat. Everybody likes her photo. 

Brittany the challenge winner does not do so well in panel. She looks exactly as tall as she really is. Sundai looks much taller than five feet three inches. Laura is meh; Lulu is meh; Rae is meh; Ashley is smizing with one eye and it’s lame. Jennifer of the Wonky eye triumphs. Then comes Nicole, who totally conquers! Tyra says she looks like she belongs in Vogue. 

Hi Kara! You totally rock! Your picture rocks! I love you so. I know exactly what’s going to happen to you. You’re going to KILL for three quarters of the cycle and then Miss Jay will decide you photograph old. 

So who goes home? It doesn’t matter because we know Bianca isn’t. Well, here are the callouts. Kara first, then Nicole, Erin, Sundai, Jennifer, Bianca, Laura, Ashley and Rae.

Lulu and Brittany are in the bottom two. I mean Brittany and some girl or another, that’s how boring and bitchy Lulu has gotten in just three episodes. So, Lulu goes home. Brittany, thanks largely to her great shot in the second episode, gets a stay of execution.

Speaking of executions: Bianca. I am gunning for yoooo. 

 

Did the right model go home?