Jessica of 'America's Next Top Model'
Credit: The CW
Oh, here it comes. We’re just far enough into Cycle 14 that the crying begins in earnest. Right off the bat, we get to hear from a model mommy who had to leave her baby for this, like, amazing opportunity. Now taking bets on how long it takes for Anslee to cry.
First “lesson” for the models this week comes from improv troupe Upright Citizens Brigade, fronted by JB Smoove ofCurb Your Enthusiasm. Brenda is asked to “volunteer” to perform on stage, followed by Alasia, who cannot seem to let go of that silver body suit. The performances don’t count as a challenge, so we go back to the house without any gift cards or fashion spreads. Battleaxe hair maven Sally Hershberger arrives to inform Brenda that her haircut isn’t working and it’s essentially the model’s fault. “You’re not workin’ it right,” Sally declares. Hershberger buzzes off the sides essentially leaves Brenda looking like a member of Duran Duran. Angelea, who apparently got lost on the way to that charm school reality show, cackles with glee.
First challenge: Good lord, this season is moving fast. The girls must shoot a 30-second commercial -- live -- for Cover Girl, with some help from actress Dania Ramirez. The masses of Times Square will be the judges. The winner will featured in an advertorial and on CoverGirl.com. Wow. I suddenly feel like I need to buy makeup. I have no idea why.
Well, what to do you know, Tatianna has a personality in there. And the people of Times Square approve. Most of the girls hold back way too much, particularly Brenda, who acts like she’s at a still photo shoot. Tatianna wins the challenge.
Anslee is bitching in the confessional again, this time to whine about Alasia, who is pretty easy to whine about. Alasia crosses a serious line by insinuating that Anslee may not be raising her daughter right, and Anslee, correctly, goes off on her. Alasia may be young, but she’s also vile. The good news: Unlike Angelea, Alasia does not look like Octomom.
TyraMail! Everyone yell! Yay! The message: Beware the no-neck monster. The girls suspect live snakes, but it’s worse. It’s a vampire-themed shoot. Wow, ANTM: Only three years behind trend. Mr. Jay arrives wearing freaky lenses; another similarly clad dude is lollygagging in the bathtub. Mr. Jay introduces him as his “victim.” Mmmm hmmm. So this is an undead-themed shoot. And there’s another twist: The girls will wear white-out lenses that obscure their vision.
Mr. Jay shows the girls the set, which includes a bathtub full of blood.
“We’re gonna be in that?” Alasia screams. Yes, Alasia, you will be. Try not to drown.
Each girl has to be led onto set and into the tub. Angelea is ready and rarin’ to go. Alasia also manages to turn it on in front of the camera. Mr. Jay is impressed. Alexandra is also super-sexy. “She knows how to work her body,” Mr. Jay notes.
Meanwhile, backstage, Brenda isn’t too keen on the lenses; she starts to cry. And here I thought it was going to be Anslee. Mr. Jay gives her a little pep talk, but Brenda really responds to the male model and does fabulously. Tatianna does so well it actually disgusts Jay.
And then comes Simone. And it is a -- I’m gonna say it! I’m gonna say it! -- a bloodbath. Ditto with Anslee.
Panel time! Ramirez is the guest judge.
Tatianna’s shot pleases greatly. Jessica’s comes off a bit stiff and amateurish to everyone but Tyra. Alasia’s photo completely stuns, in a good way. Not so much Simone, who is “rather ungainly,” per Nigel Barker. Angelea’s is meh.
Krista’s face is too tense. Raina takes a huge risk by looking and facing down, and it pays off. Alexandra’s shot is very vampire bodice ripper. Brenda does OK. Nobody likes Anslee’s shot; in fact the male model outshines her.
The callout: Alasia, Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica, Krista.
That leaves Anslee and Simone. Simone is sent packing with some instructions on how to improve. And of course, Anslee lives to cry another day. More specifically, a week from today.
Did the right girl get sent packing? And did you appreciate how shamelessly "ANTM" went after the "Twilight" audience?