Here it is! The tiny final episode in this wee cycle of America’s Short Top Model! In one corner, standing short feet, short inches is Laura, aka the Castrator, and in the other, Nicole, the stealth contender with the killer monotone!

[Full recap of Wednesday (Nov. 18) night's "America's Next Top Model" finale after the break...]

“I caint believe ah’m from smalltown Kentucky!” Laura declares in her obligatory gee-shucks "ANTM" model. She also has proven she’s “sussessful,” y’all.
 
First challenge for the two finalists: Another Cover Girl script, another commercial shoot, another chance for Laura to stress out about her dyslexia. The same day as the TV shoot, the girls will have to do a still for a print ad. The scene: the lush tropical woods. The bosses: Mr. Jay and Nigel “Tiger of Hotness” Barker. Nigel and Nicole pair up for the photo shoot, and Nigel praises her highly. Meanwhile, over on the commercial set, poor Laura can’t seem to put a sentence, and it’s kinda heartbreakin’. For the record, Laura, it ain’t just your disability; you caint talk neither, darlin’. Still, Laura powers on, and Mr. Jay is generous in his assessment of her.
 
Nicole now comes to the commercial video shoot. And she stumbles right away. She also comes off as aloof and snobby. Laura, now over at the still photo shoot, thinks about milkshakes, which doesn’t seem to work for Nigel. 
 
Back at the house, Seventeen editor Ann Shoket runs in and immediately announces another shoot, this one for the magazine cover. Giles Bensimon is here! Vive la competition!
 
“You ARE Seventeen, darling,” Shoket purrs to Nicole. Still, she adds, “It’s anybody’s game.”
 
Right away, we’re already talking about the upcoming runway show. This is where Laura is supposed to shine. Tyra comes to the front door; screaming ensues, but now it’s time to get quiet. It’s time for the weepy one-on-one begathons! Please! Please Tyra please let me win!
 
“I feel like awkward and isolated,” Nicole spills. The waterworks remain tightly shut. 
 
Laura’s mee maw “sent me a letter and she said she was so proud of me because I’ve made it farther than anybody in my family,” Laura weeps.
 
Oh, SNAP! It’s time for the fashion show, and guess who’s coming along as supporting cast? ELIMINATED GIRLS, including Erin, back from the grave, and Sundai, and Jennifer, and Brittany! Teyona will also be walking, but I suspect I’ll forget she was there after the ... wait, what was I just talking about? Oh, how about this? Eddie Murphy is in the audience. Can. You. Both. Handle. It.
 
“Oh mah gosh these dresses melt mah heart,” Laura says backstage. 
 
Everybody is sprayed with sparkles and they look like short legged disco balls. There’s a volcano on the runway. Teyona comes first and is mildly fierce, and then comes -- ouch! -- Nicole in a saloon madam dress sporting major elbows. Laura is sleeker in a mini dress. It’s nutsy cuckoo backstage of course, because that’s the way it needs to be in a fashion show. But here’s another twist to tonight’s fashion fest: The next round involves removing scarves in the wind. Both girls look like Muppets on wires, pushing against the silk.
 
Now there’s a rainy water scene. What is this, Alexander McQueen? Both girls swing their arms a bit overmuch. Then they all have to pose together sort of groping each other for a finale. 
 
And that’s it! Feels a bit rushed and devoid of drama, but it’s now panel time. 
 
“I thought Laura did really damned well,” Miss J. says. Tyra also liked her walk. Tyra generously describes Nicole’s walk as a “signature walk.”
 
The body of work is now gone over with a fine-toothed two-inch-barrel round brush. Laura is clearly outgunned, with the exception of the disaster at the Cirque de Soleil.
 
The composite Cover Girl commercial truly is cringeworthy. Both girls come across as awkward and amateurish. Tyra thinks that Nicole forget to model while speaking. 
 
“If I could wolf whistle I would,” Nigel raves about Laura’s still photo. Nicole’s more chill and a bit stiff, but Tyra likey.
 
The judges mull the body flaws in each girl. Laura is deemed more of a beauty girl, a “money face.” Nicole seems more high fashion and Milan. Nicole’s dull charisma comes up again too.
 
So who wins?
 
Nicole, of course. Her personality can be meh, and her speech can be mumbly, but she beats out the slightly less presentable Laura, and she is whisked off immediately to another shoot, with Tyra. To comfort Laura, Tyra proclaims that Laura is a true model. And truly, Tyra is right. Nicole -- rightly -- won, but both are ready for the fashion business. 
 
Did the judges make the right choice? Can Nicole possibly fill Teyona's shoes?