Tyra Banks doesn't just produce and host a show about models, no no no, girl. She changes the standards of the WHOLE MODELING INDUSTRY. Never mind we've never heard from what's-her-name since she won that time. America's Next Top Model is IMPORTANT. Because Tyra says so. That's why.

As we all know by now, this whole cycle of Top Model is about finding a supermodel under 5 feet 7 inches. Tyra's logic: We have like two or three super-successful tiny models out there, so that MUST mean the industry wants another short one, right? Right. Because Tyra says so. That's why. 

[A recap of Tyra Banks' salute to the world's petite women, specifically Wednesday's (Sept. 9) "America's Next Top Model" premiere, after the break...]

The tiny models all show up at a hotel. Tyra comes out and explains a few things in a French accent and a few of the girls look like they're going to faint. Then the contestants head off to meet the Jays, get their Polaroids taken and learn how to catwalk. 

Alison is a modeling teacher. Brittany is a math major. Amber models for Christ and likes to, apparently, model while pissed. Bianca has no hair and big ego. (Didn't we already get one of those? There an echo in here?) Sundai has the hard-luck-foster-home story for this cycle. Some Other Chick catwalks in crutches.

Hey! Whoever That Chick Was Who Won Last Cycle isn't in the Cover Girl commercials over the break. Start your conspiracy theories now.

Hiyeeee! It's time for panel. Jennifer from Philly is Asian and got into a scrum with a girl from Jersey. That's her interesting story. Crutches girl has a name. It's Courtney. My God. Look at the Natalia Vodianova eyes on that one. Tyra likes her because she has no boobs.

New Orleans girl has no bathroom where she lives in New Orleans. Hi again, Bianca. Yes, we know all about you. Oh, no we don't, I guess. Her boyfriend hit her in the face once. It's sad. Bullying others doesn't seem to bother her much, though. She comes down hard on Amber for talking about her sex life, or lack thereof, and the way she dances around for Jesus. 

Speaking of free spirits, Kara tells panel she's a free spirit. Lulu is gay and from New York. Miss J. loves her instantly. She is, for the record, adorable. Too bad about that ginormous tattoo of her girlfriend across her chest. Nicole thinks she's just too mature to connect with anybody. Her nickname when she was little was Bloody Eyeball. But my God is she gorgeous.

Rae has Bambi eyes.

God, all these girls have horror stories. Somebody abducted and sexually assaulted Aria and that poor girl! 

The first cut gets rid of 12 girls. The rest are immediately put in a "run-through" for a fashion show. They have to do their own makeup and everything.

After the li'l show, the deliberation continues. Judging from the way Jay and J talk, the new hot fash phrase of 2009 is, apparently, "I'm not mad at it." And you know what? I'm not mad at it.

Jennifer the Asian brawler makes the cut, as do a nondiscernable girl named Erin, doe-eyed Rachel, a "not fresh" girl named Kara, Lulu the Adorable, a buff blonde named Rae, Ashley, who was picked to audition out of Tyra's talk show audience, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Nicole of the Bloody Eyes, Crazy Amber, a practically hysterical Laura, and Sundai. 

"You guys are like, the pioneers," Tyra intones. I'll make sure to relay that to Josie Maran.

--

And on to part two of episode one of Cycle 13? Follow?

Amber has suddenly disappeared because of "personal issues" that are not explained but that are probably REALLY juicy. She's replaced by a quiet girl named Lisa.

Sally Hershberger, hairstylist to the stars, arrives for makeovers. Brittany gets darker hair. Erin suffers an itchy scalp as she goes platinum blonde. 

Rachel's doe eyes are offset by dark brown hair. Jennifer gets her eyebrows done. Lisa gets some hair chopped, but really, not that bad. Sundai has a disgusting Li'l Kim weave before Tyra makes her get rid of it and gives her a Rihanna. Courtney gets redder and edgier. Lulu gets the weave this cycle. Bianca has no hair -- and now she seems to have no brows. Tyra bleaches them for reasons I don't know what. "I'm goin' home like Dennis frickin' Rodman," Bianca correctly observes.

Ni cole gets a Grace Coddington flamin' red hair that goes on forever. Look it up. But she's not mad at it.

Single mom Rae goes white blonde. Laura gets a rainbow of colors. She looks like a tranny. Kara gets Dynasty highlights. Ashley gets a Naomi Campbell center part and long weave.

Everybody screams because they all get to live in the Top Model house. No fighting over beds this time. They have assigned beds. The house is tricked out like a kiddie playhouse and it has Tyra's childhood pictures all over it. As obnoxious as that is, Bianca is even more so. She ticks people off immediately with her stupid attitude.

That night is the inevitable pool party. Gossip ensues about Nicole, who has never been a social person. With this catty crowd, I don't blame her for sitting by herself. Bianca even tells Nicole, "There is something wrong with you." No, Bianca. I think you've got that backwards. Go take a look at your bleachy self in the mirror.

The first shoot arrives. The theme is an editorial interpretation of the contestant's baby photos.

Erin is first. She impresses Mr. Jay not much at all. Lulu works the props in her shoot. Rachel garners catty comments from the model peanut gallery. Rae gets unlucky with eight-inch heels. But she's not mad at it. She wows Mr. Jay nonetheless. 

Bianca walks onto set like a big Debbie Downer. Mr. Jay does not likey. Could be that she's actually mad at it. 

Brittany's first shoot looks too porny for Mr. Jay. Lisa has to be a clown but fashionable. She doesn't seem to get it. At all. Ashley makes her shots, however, look high fashion and very editorial. Sundai, just the opposite. 

Now comes Nicole. She rocks rocks RAWKs. She has nothing to say after, which is a shame, because if she doesn't start showing some personality, she's gone, and it will be the industry's loss. Mr. Jay also likes Kara's shoot, as do I. Very high fashion. 

Elimination time is next! It should be Bianca, between her terrible pictures and her even more poisonous attitude.

Chanel Iman is the first guest judge this cycle. She seems either shy or aloof, hard to tell. Vogue covers do that to a girl.

Rachel of the Doe Eyes is first. Her shot is OK. Her right hand is clawlike. But she looks real tall. Ashley, newly of the Naomi Campbell look, wows the judges with her dancer moves on a couch. Math wonk Brittany catches flack for being too hootchy. Tyra rubs her breasts just to illustrate her point.

Jennifer does very well with her sandy shot. Kara, love her, love her look. But she does not do well in anything but profile. Not good. Rae the ballerina makes Tyra gasp with pleasure. 

Sundai is peppy in person but not in her photo. Lisa totally bombs. She looks "mean," per Chanel Iman. Nicole, wow. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. We have a new undergod to root for. Bianca -- oh well. She manages to pull out a decent high-fashion shot despite her horrific black hole of a personality. Erin's shot shows Bianca how to rock bleached eyebrows. Courtney, still on crutches, does OK.

Rae does so well that Chanel says, "I am working on this pose when I get home." Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. Cannot get enough of Nicole. Lisa has really blown it. 

Called first: Rae, the ballerina, followed by Nicole. MY Nicole. Then Jennifer of the shifting sands. The rest of the order: Ashley, Courtney, Erin, Lulu, Rachel, Laura, Kara, Brittany, Sundai. Bottom Two: Lisa and Bianca. 

Bianca is told to pretend that she likes her makeup next time, because she's coming back. The forgettable Lisa is sent home. She just needs to work on her everything. She says she'll miss the pool and the hot tub. Buck up, girl. And whatever you do, don't be mad at it.

 

Can we just give Tyra her Nobel Peace Prize now, or should we make her wait for it?