Allison. Oh, queen of the sea. “The judges see one face week after week after week," Tyra has said. According to Celia, all Allison needs to do is think about sex. Do anchovies have sex? Can someone look that up for me while I continue recapping Wednesday's (April 15) episode of "America's Next Top Model"?
[Recap after the break...]
There are only seven girls left now that sad sack Tahlia has gone home. She was a burn victim, yes, but she sure wasn’t a model. She would have crumpled under this next challenge: a South Pole Juniors-sponsored shoot in which the competitors must double as creative directors.
Natalie is, “like, a very visionary person,” which, for muse Teyona, means gigantic kraken hair and walking during the shoot ... in a very small space. Teyona can model anything, but nobody can move from point A to point B when there really is no point B.
Allison has created a fabu big-hair look for Aminat, but she also seems to overdirect. Either that is Mr. J is jealous when he mutters, “you got to work within the flow.”
Since she was first cast on Cycle 12, London has gained -- whoa -- 10 to 15 pounds. Mr. Jay is once again not impressed when Fo tries to creatively-direct her, partially because London isn’t confident in her new fat.
Now we have Natalie and Aminat. Natalie and Aminat hate each other, but that apparently has nothing to do with the fact that Aminat has no skills in time management. Natalie is still in her curlers when Mr. Jay informs Aminat that she has four minutes to get Natalie into her clothes and onto set. This would be a great time for Natalie to launch into some sort of obnoxious pout session, at which she excels, but instead she stays disappointingly professional, while Aminat whines, “it is SO not my fault.” Poor Mr. Jay; so many people to bitch at, so little time.
Now it’s Celia’s turn in front of the camera while Teyona is creative director. Jay loves the styling and confirms with the crew that Teyona actually oversaw the shoot. For once, Jay is impressed.
London has styled Allison to look like ... London.
Fo’s feet are cut off in her photo while Celia is directing, but come on, Mr. Jay, any more crankiness and you’ll need another facial, honey.
So who’s the winner of the challenge prize -- an editorial in Seventeen mag? Teyona, whose fabu styling went over so well with Jay. Teyona gets to pick two friends to take with her to the shoot. Fo feels dissed! I didn’t know that Fo was Teyona’s “homie” in the house; apparently, neither did Teyona, who picks Aminat and Celia to accompany her in the Seventeen shoot.
Holy crap; Mr. Jay just snuck into the Top Model house and creeped up to the girls while they’re still sleeping. Not cool, Mr. Jay. Well, at least it wasn’t MISS Jay. Mr. Jay makes up for his stalking by having hair and makeup done in the living room, and by having Ciara ding the front doorbell. I guess the R&B star is involved in the next soot.
“She’s such an icon,” Celia gushes. Spoken as only someone under 30 could manage.
The girls head off to somewhere called Webster Hall for a photo shoot with the icon. Each model has to tangle herself up in a microphone cord and act like an obsessed fan. This concept does nothing to help the long-denied rumors that Ciara is really a man.
Celia goes first, posing well enough for Mr. Jay, if not actually looking obsessed. London continues to struggle with her weight, and being clad in little more than wires cannot possibly help -- then again, a fat girl did win the whole shebang a couple cycles ago.
Think happy fat girl, London, not sad fat girl! Jesus wants you to, you street preacher you!
Mr. Jay sits London down and basically chews her out, telling her that she’s not taking care of her body. “You’re way too tiny to even be considered plus size,” Jay says. Leave her alone, Jay. She has Jesus inside her. He has to go somewhere.
Teyona is up next and owns every single second of her time. Natalie finally learns to channel an emotion; it’s anger, which is fine, I guess. Fo does great, moving around a lot.
Now, Allison. Jay tells her to smile, and it just makes her pissed. That’s the bad news; good news is that angry looks cute on Allison. Insert your own angry fish joke here.
Aminat, poor Aminat. She clearly has talent, but she may not have enough to hang on much longer. Jay hates her shoot, and so do I. She brings no emotion, even though she sits at the feet of the mighty icon Ciara. You’d think Aminat would at least shriek or something.
Elimination panel time. A bathing suit-clad, totally not-gay male model emerges, drops to his knees and offer Tyra a bowl of his, er, nuts. He’s from Brazil, the country where the six remaining girls go after tonight’s episode.
The judges like Natalie’s effort at range, even if she still has a long way to go. Aminat’s shot makes her look too bewildered, or maybe it’s spoiled. Whatever. Her shot with Ciara doesn’t work. Celia, clad in another simple chic outfit, wows the judges yet again with her ambitious shot. Teyona earns another “may-juh” from the judges.
“You kept it fierce and fabulous,” Tyra purrs.
London gets dinged for trying too hard.
“What are you eating?” Miss J calls out.
Fo, now, Fo, wow. Sure, her face looks great. But her bod is so hot it’s definitely not kosher for Passover. Allison has a great shot, but then she opens her mouth and compliments one photographer on the panel above another. Ouch. Not smart, dummy.
So who gets bumped down to the bottom two?
There’s a bit of a fight about London, her face and her weight.
Hmmmm. And some rumbling of discontent about Allison’s long-standing problem of lack of range. Hmmmm. And Aminat suffers the worst curse of all: looking better than she photographs.
Teyona gets called first. Can we just give her the Cover Girl contract already? Fo is going to Brazil too, of course. Natalie gets called next, despite that terrible sun dress she’s wearing. Celia lives for another week, allowing her to bring her outfit collection to Brazil. And Allison squeezes in by the skin of her massive eyes.
So it’s London versus Aminat, and of course the fatty goes home.
We can’t have TWO fatties win the whole contest, now can we? Of course not.
“I thought that the day I was going to be eliminated I would be really upset with God,” London says. But it’s not that case. Let’s hope God can help her lose the weight and keep it off. Not saying that to be mean. It’s the industry.
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