Fo, Fo, you fabu Blaxican, we hardly knew ye. You may be five feet seven inches, but you will always be tall to us. Fare thee well, tiny supermodel. Fare thee well, mighty midget.

Back to the catfight for that $100,000 Cover Girl contract. We have Celia, who, as we’ve learned, is 25 and photographs as “not frosh.” Teyona is perfect at everything she does, especially now that she has a decent wardrobe, which she won during a challenge. We have Allison, queen of the mighty seas, or, at least, the piscine kingdom, and -- who else? Oh, Aminat, almost forgot you were there. That can’t be good. 

[Recap for Wednesday (May 6) night's "America's Next Top Model" after the break...]

At the Top Model highrise, Aminat remarks that Celia can be annoying. Pot, kettle much? Allison admits that she isn’t the best looking girl, and this may hurt her. Apparently she’s never seen a photo shoot with Penelope Tree or Kristin McMenamy. 

Challenge time! Time for the inevitable dance-con-chica-boom photo challenge. Paulina Poritzkova is there, earning her money and handing the girls over to a samba instructor. 

“This is really dope,” Aminat says. Elegant.

Celia overworks it. “You want it too much ... desperation is not sexy,” Paulina advises. Celia is brought to tears. She looks like a sad piskie. 

Aminat is a natural dancer and kicks ass. Allison, meanwhile, veers from inept to scary.

Teyona won’t look up. Gasp! Have we found a new weakness in the reigning champ? MUhahahahaha.

TyraMail! “Whatever you do, don’t look down.” Here’s a guess: Dancing! On top of a ... tower? Tightrope? Hey, as long as there’s no safety net, you’ve got my approval.

Sigh. Wishful thinking. It’s just a balcony thing, with lots of room and a dancer guy who can always catch one of the girls if she drops off. There isn’t even a photographer around to look peeved. It’s just a dancer dude and Paulina barking again.

Aminat kills during her dance. Celia busts out some grace. Teyona is awkward. And I’m cackling.

The winner of this challenge, which includes a $7,000 jewelry prize: Celia, who chooses Allison to share in the loot. 

Next TyraMail, something about pushing the babies out of the nest. Oh just push them all out of the nest and give the thing to Teyona. 

In the confessional booth, Aminat is starting to flag; she is never the winner. She’s also almost never nice. Coincidence? I hope not. 

Sutan and Christian sneak into the house and tease out every piece of hair within an inch of its existence; I would much rather the producers release a giant anaconda into the apartment, but I digress; it’s shoot time. They all drive two hours out of the city, into the jungle. They come across a smokin’ Jeep on the road, with a smokin’ hot Tyra Banks kicking the wheels and announcing she will be photographing the Final Four.

The models must channel birds out in the wilderness. And oh, pterodactyl. And whatever. Surprisingly, Allison responds well to Tyra. Allison likes a strong hand, I see! Next: Aminat. She doesn’t want to get into the fake nest. Eliminate her right now! Party foul! Do it, Tyra! Do it!

Celia appears for her shoot. Tyra seems impressed, and Celia thanks her for “putting me at ease.” That’s sweet. Good luck combing through that hair. I won’t dicuss Teyona’s   photo shoot. No new news there.

Elimination time! Who will go home? 

Oh FORGOD’SSAKETYRAWEKNOWTHEPRIZESANDTHEJUDGESJUSTGIVEUSTHEDISH.

Allison is up first. Stunning! She shines through her hair and her makeup.  Tyra gushes. Miss J. chirps.

Teyona’s best shot is pretty impressive too. Nigel would like Teyona to finesse her body language a bit more, which brings some inexplicable heat from other judges. Oh just leave it. She looks fine.

Celia comes on the scene and kicks some serious buttocks. Miss J still thinks she shoots old, but he’s drowned out by the rest. And Aminat -- not the best pose for her. Mr. J doesn’t like it. Paulina doesn’t either. 

During deliberation, Teyona gets the most criticism. She’s getting complacent; she still can’t sell herself in person. 

Celia catches flack for an ugly mouth. Miss J calls her “America’s Next Top Mother.” Ouch. Reer to you, too.

Aminat is praised as having the body. But the face in her best shot isn’t doing any work.

So who goes home?

Allison gets picked first, followed by Teyona, who bursts into tears. Celia and Aminat are in the bottom two. PLEASEpleasePLEASE send Aminat HOMEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE. 

FRACK. FRACKIN FRACK. The judges send Celia home. Aminat stays because she light happens to hit her right sometimes. I don’t get it, but I’m also not crazy-ass Tyra Banks. Celia is told she has a future in fashion -- implying strongly it’s not in front of the camera. The fashion industry doesn’t know what it’ll miss. 

Are you also outraged by this week's results? Who looks like the likely winner next week?

 

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