It seems that “Project Runway” is the five-year-old brat of reality television. You miss one little episode, and suddenly it’s running willy-nilly through the kitchen, turning on all the stove burners and grabbing that new Costco-sized container of peanut butter just so it can smear the goo through its long, luxurious Heidi Klum tresses before rolling around in the dog crap in the backyard.  

But even though you are sorely tempted to smash its brains against a firm surface until it’s so brain damaged it becomes a special-needs reality program (maybe “Jersey Shore” or “The Bad Girls Club”), you can’t because you still love it more than you hate it. But you learn the hard way, yeah, can’t turn your back on the little rascal for a damn minute. So, I missed this Very Special Episode the first time around, but thanks to TiVo and constant reruns, I didn’t miss it for long. Thus, you’re slightly delayed recap.

Damn. I can’t quit you, “Project Runway.” And apparently, “Project Runway” can’t quit Anthony. Oops, did I give something away? Eh, like you don’t already know.
Anyway, Mila is feeling stressed, but thinks her advanced age (40 that looks like 50) allows her to brush off the judges’ comments and persevere. Mya, on the other hand, is proud of the fact she’s the youngest designer in the competition. Which she admits is getting, like, hard and stuff.  

Heidi tells the final six that today’s challenge will entail designing a look for a bitchy celebrity, which could mean almost every woman in Hollywood except some of the dogs in those Pedigree commercials (though the corgi seems like a little diva to me) and Sandra Bullock, who is possibly too nice for her own good and look what happens. In the workroom, Tim reveals that the uberbitch is, in fact, Heidi. Heidi is apparently really in need of clothes this season or Lifetime couldn’t get Judith Light or Gail O’Grady or some other woman in distress from their MOWs to reveal their actual dress sizes.  

Heidi reveals that she needs a red carpet look for after she pops out the baby, and that she intends to be picky and demanding and as cruel as possible, which she says with a smile but hey, I can see it.

Jonathan decides that, since he loved his look the week before but still ended up in the bottom two, he’s going to try Reverse World and design something God-awful ugly and hope the judges love it. I would say this is sort of like saying I studied really hard for my algebra test and got a D, so next time I’m going to watch the “Twilight” movies and not even crack open my textbook because that means I’ll get an A. Which may explain how most high school kids get through math, but still, not a good idea.

So, everyone’s hard at work, sketching their little brains out. Mila doesn’t do evening wear, so she’s a little freaked. Emilio is going for wow. Seth is doing his rocker thing. Jay wants volume and texture. And Maya is missing, which we get from endless shots of Mya’s empty dress form, just in case we don’t get the hint.
Still, all the designers act SO SURPRISED when Mya and Tim walk into the workroom and Mya announces that she’s leaving the competition, because she’s not ready to go “all the way,” which makes this sound less like a fashion competition and more like we’re spying on one of Mya’s hot and heavy high school dates, which is all kinds of ick.  

Mya says she’s not fully developed as a designer, which is probably true. And while I get why people are saying she’s a big friggin’ idiot and being a whiny little baby because she’s never won a challenge, I can also see some logic in not wanting to go to Bryant Park with a collection which looks like Nina Ricci ripoffs, either, unless she wants a job working for Faviana. The other designers are very sympathetic, except for Emilio, who thinks she’s being a big quitter, although thankfully he doesn’t say that to her face. Not that she’d cry or anything, as Mya has yet to do anything more than crack a wan smile the whole season, which makes me think she’s either very aware of the cameras or is taking a crapload of Prozac.  
In case you do want to pick on Mya, though, Seth Aaron helpfully tells the viewers at home to f--- off if they do, because they have no idea what it’s like at “Project Runway” and, basically, suck it. Thanks for the public service announcement, Seth Aaron! No one watches reality TV to judge anyone, of course.  

After that big bombshell, it’s off to Mood with $300 and full-to-bursting adrenal glands. Then, back at the workroom, Tim busts in again with another freakin’ announcement, which I’m sure makes the designers want to slug his perfectly coiffed head into a sewing table because how the hell are they supposed to finish this goddamn challenge with the constant goddamn interruptions? Tim announces that one designer will be coming back. And it is...a commercial break!  

Okay, we get our obligatory add for the NuvaRing and then we discover the designer is... Anthony! Yay! Everyone seems happy to have him back, because let’s face it, all the fun got sucked out of the room the minute he left, most of it absorbed by Mila’s sour, fun-absorbing Evil Queen aura of darkness and unfounded superiority.

So, everyone gets back to work... and Tim comes in to ask Seth Aaron for “a word”. 

At which point Mila really wants to whack Tim, because he’s totally screwing with her concentration. But really, world’s tiniest violin playing for Mila, because Seth Aaron’s model got a better gig and now he’s stuck with Ceri, whom has notoriously looked like a washed-out dump truck in Jonathan’s designs.  

Anyway, Tim comes to check in, and this time he brings Heidi, which freaks everyone out because, really, after the day they’ve had the designers are really kind of like a herd of feral cats sitting at the vet waiting to get fixed. Heidi tells Seth Aaron he needs to add something vavoom to his simple black dress. She seems to like Anthony’s dress. She calls Emilio’s dress difficult, which is a good thing. She isn’t thrilled with Jay’s approach to volume, which in reality will make her look like she has a fat ass. Then, she flashes her boobs at Jay to show him that they stick together, which I would suggest has everything to do with being super pregnant, but whatever, she gave Jay a little surprise which he would have appreciated a lot more if he were straight. Mila asks Heidi if her dress is too simple, and Heidi will only say it’s not... but are the other dresses BETTER? Mwahahahaha! Okay, she doesn’t cackle, but she definitely plants a seed of insecurity. Which, knowing Mila, is a good thing. Heidi doesn’t like the curtains on Jonathan’s dress and suggests he toss his ugly ass fabric. So, he’s screwed.

The models come in, they leave, and then everyone starts screaming and freaking out. And Jonathan’s dress looks awful, so he should freak out.  But he’s still going with that it-sucks-so-the-judges-might-love-it fantasy. Sure. And that’s what the distributors of “Motherhood” were thinking before they unleashed that stinker, too.
And Jay should worry, too, because OMG, he’s got ruffles all over the ass of his dress. The mannequin actually looks fat. Jay, did you not hear Heidi? Did that boob flash have strange mind-erasing superpowers? Come on!

Runway time! Michael’s on tap, Nina’s there and a surprise guest judge... Jessica Alba! Oh, yay, another Hollywood starlet! Who is WAY too blonde. When your skin matches your face, not good.

Jay
He likes big butts and he cannot lie... okay, no woman in her right mind would wear something like this, although in theory it’s cool looking. If, perhaps, you lost your ass in a terrible wood chipper accident, it might work.

Mila

Look, an ill-fitting brown and gold nightie! Mila is sucking more with each passing week.  

Anthony
I love this black and white gown. Probably because I SWEAR I’ve seen it before in a slightly more structured incarnation on a red carpet a few years back (someone help me out here!). But that doesn’t mean it’s not a good dress. I’m so glad Anthony’s back!

Seth Aaron
I do like this dress, but Heidi’s right – it may be too simple for the red carpet. It did need that wow factor. But it’s still a gorgeous dress.

Jonathan

Hey, I didn’t know they made Hefty bags in beige! This actually looks like something you could toss in the compost when you’re done, how convenient. And it barely covers the model’s business. Buh-bye, Jonathan.

Emilio

Yes, this is a showstopper. The fabric makes all the difference here, because it’s otherwise a very simple dress, but it is perfect in every way.

Then, the judgmental tearing and rending begins. Seth Aaron is up first. Nina doesn’t think it’s right for Heidi. Michael thinks the girl carrying the award would wear it, not the award winner. Seth Aaron still likes it. Jessica doesn’t think it looks Heidi, so Jessica is very good at mimicking Nina. Heidi doesn’t see a wow effect.
Anthony says he’s all about the black and white, because it’s the most sophisticated combo out there when done properly, and I can almost hear Mila gnashing her teeth in jealous fury. Heidi loves it. Jessica thinks it’s elegant. Michael loves it. Nina thinks it’s stunning. Anthony is BACK, bitches!

Mila is up next. Jessica likes the dress, but thinks the bust is too wide. Michael hates the bra cups. Heidi thinks it’s too simple. Mila is eating it.

Michael says Emilio’s dress is impeccable. Heidi thinks the fit is amazing. Nina thinks it looks expensive, but it could have looked cheap. Jessica says he did a great job of building the dress underneath, which is actually a good insight. Props to Jessica.

Jay tries to explain his butt dress. Heidi loves the top but thinks the bottom needs a little different somethin’-somethin’. Which sounds like zom-zom when she says it, which is almost cute. Michael thinks no sane woman wants to look like she has a fat ass, which is true. Nina thinks the model looks wide. Jessica says she’s got child-bearing hips, but she’s not happy about it. Boo friggin’ hoo, size two Jessica Alba, I do not even begin to understand your pain because right now I want to throw you under a moving car. Go eat a damn sandwich.

But Jay has it easy, because Jonathan is up next to defend his mess. Jessica points out that she’s dangerously close to showing ass. Michael likes the back but hates the front. Everyone is impressed that he made three dresses, but that won’t save him. Nina thinks the color makes the model look waxy. Jonathan is so going home.

So, the designers slink away and the judges get down to it. Jessica immediately kisses Heidi’s ass and says she has an insane body, and Seth Aaron’s dress wouldn’t show that. Then, everyone talks about Mya. Jessica helpfully points out that Mya should have sucked it up because life is HARD, then snaps her fingers for an assistant to powder her nose and fetch her a non-fat mochacinno.  

Everyone hates Jonathan’s dress, which Michael calls a dull pillowcase, and I am beginning to think Michael should have been a TV commentator, because unless he gets someone to write this stuff for him, he’s just so good at the zingers. Jay gets excoriated for the butt thing, and everyone is amazed that Emilio actually understood you need a structure under your dress for the red carpet, so big kisses all around.  

Nina says Mila’s dress looks very “Housewives of New Jersey”, which makes me think that, if there is a hell, maybe we can send Mila to the ring where she’s surrounded by the casts of “Jersey Shore”, “Jerseylicious” and “Housewives of New Jersey” and must make them hooker-appropriate wear day in and day out, because that would be AWESOME.

Time for winners and losers. There IS NO WINNER this time... because there are TWO WINNERS! Wow, what a surprise! That never happens! Wait, that happens at least once a season. Yawn. Emilio and Anthony are the winners. Heidi gets to wear Emilio’s dress, and Jessica gets Anthony’s. Anthony is a bubbly ray of winning sunshine. Go, Anthony!  

Seth Aaron is... in. Mila is... in, unfortunately. Heidi gives Jay a smack on the nose with a newspaper for not listening to her. But he is... in. Jonathan and his ugly garbage bag dress are out.  

I’m not going to cry about Jonathan screwing the pooch on this one, because, boy howdy, that was an ugly dress, and it wasn’t even as ugly as the first and second ones. And apparently Jonathan knows it. He’s happy to have made it so far, and he’s not sad, and he’s going home with his head held high. And Anthony’s back! Am I making too much of a deal about that? If so, I don’t care, I’m just so glad he’s back.  

Oooh, promo! And it looks like Mila’s doing BLACK AND WHITE! And someone makes a big blue condom. Dammit, I’m not missing next week, I swear. Because it’s hell getting peanut butter out of that Heidi Klum hair, I’m serious.  â€¨ â€¨ â€¨