I hate to say this, but I suspect Ralph is going home, although I can’t count out Kirstie getting the boot. Admitting you were once a big cokehead on national television (not something she’s ever kept a secret or anything, but might surprise some viewers) is either a fabulous Oprah-worthy way of bonding with viewers or a huge mistake. We’ll find out.

Len requests Chelsea and Mark’s rumba. Even the second time around this is still pretty hot, have to say, which isn’t something I often think about dances that involve a shroud. It’s kind of like watching someone get their groove on at a funeral, though it’s hardly the weirdest thing Chelsea’s had to wear on this show. Anyway, Mark has done a good job of choreographing outside of the box this season and even though it tends to get Len’s knickers in a twist, it’s served Chelsea well. And there’s really nothing wrong with getting Len’s knickers in a twist anyway.
 
Full recap of Tuesday's (May 17) "Dancing with the Stars" after the break...
 
First on the block are Hines and Kym. Hines cries after seeing Kym’s fall. Hines cries before their big dance. Hines is surely going to get crap from his teammates for this, but I love the marshmallow softy side of the guy. I don’t think he’s overreacting either, as Kym really could have been paralyzed. Although it would be a little ironic for a football player to land someone in a wheelchair for life while on the dance floor and not on the field.
 
So, will Hines and Ward survive? We’ll find out… after the commercial break. Hey, ABC, any chance you have a good half hour series you could squeeze in here, because by this point in the competition the show is getting so thin I can read a newspaper through it. Anyway, they’re… safe and going to the finals.
 
Backstage, Brooke talks to the couples still waiting to hear their fate, which is about as exciting as anything Brooke does. I swear the woman seems more stressed out about the fact she’s on live television than the celebrities in the competition do. Ralph tells Brooke he’s feeling upbeat. She wishes him good luck in a tone you’d use with someone who’s driving a 1968 Volkswagen bus with a sputtering engine through a wall of fire. However, Chelsea doesn’t feel secure, Mark is simply bittersweet that anyone has to go, Kirstie hopes that next week there will be less drama and more aerials. Now that Kirstie’s weight isn’t likely to give Maks a hernia, all she wants is to get tossed around.
 
Stevie Nicks sings the first single from her new album, “Secret Love.” I think she shares a dressmaker with Diane Keaton, but it works for her.
 
Next up we have a performance of “Give Me Everything” by Pitbull with Ne Yo and Nayer. I love to hear Brooke pronounce these names because she sounds like she’s quacking. Okay, the blinding lights might have seemed like a good idea for a club show, but I think someone’s going to have a seizure. And suddenly it’s wall-to-wall hoochies! Len must be loving the chicks grinding all over the judges’ table, though I hope he has some antibacterial wipes.
 
Next up, Chelsea and Mark will learn their fate. But first, some behind-the-scenes moments, such as Chelsea adjusting her wedgie. Yes, that needed to be seen on national television. She admits she hated Mark this week, but that’s all forgotten when she wins fifteen extra points in the winner-takes-all cha cha cha. They’re… going to the finals. Even though the judges claimed that cha cha cha was created after Brandy was sent home, I suspect it was really to make sure Chelsea sticks around for the final. I love Ralph, but if the final was Ralph and, say, Kirstie with Hines as the sure thing, I’m not sure I’d feel a burning need to watch.
 
Hines and Kym join Chelsea and Mark backstage with Brooke. Brooke asks them what the judges have picked for them to dance next week. Hey, an actual question we want to hear the answer to! Hines and Kym will be dancing the quickstep, while Chelsea and Mark will be dancing the samba. Brooke tries to get Hines and Kym to slam on the competition, which just makes them groan. Brooke doesn’t get anywhere with Mark, either. Brooke really looks like a mean little sprite at this moment.
 
Time for feel-good show filler! Tayla Kelley is 13-years-old and she’s been dancing for as long as she can remember. She has primary immune deficiency disease, although for a moment I thought she said she had primary moon deficiency disease, which sounds like something you get when you’re a werewolf. She has a 60 percent chance of surviving to the age of 18. But Tayla has surprised the doctors and refuses to live in fear, blithely exposing herself to icky germs at playgrounds and from small, sticky children. Her dream comes true when Chelsie Hightower and Lacey Schwimmer come to take her to dance on the “DWTS” stage. I hope everyone washed their hands. I’m not kidding. This is a smart number and she’s doing an impressive job…crap, she just sat on the judges table. I hope someone hosed it down after the hoochie dancers. If she gets sick, it’s on your hands, “DWTS”!
 
It’s filler time again! Our celebrities reveal all their sacrifices and struggles. Um, this looks pretty whiney when it’s airing right after the little girl with no immune system. Ralph hurt his knee, Kirstie hurt her hip, wah wah wah. Hines reveals that Kym’s injury happened on Friday the 13th. Spooky! But we see Kym crush her spine again. I swear, every time they show it I’m more amazed that she can walk, much less dance.
 
Next, Stevie Nicks sings “Landslide.” Love this song, but have to say she’s struggling to hit the low notes – and she missed one entirely. Did she just do that Taylor Swift heart hand signal? Hey, she’s a rock legend, she can do what she wants, I guess.
 
Our final two couples are on the block, and that means more backstage footage. Kirstie compares performing to childbirth. She has difficulties adding so she doesn’t fully comprehend that last week she got pretty decent scores. Ralph gets frustrated with the poor reaction to his funky big butt salsa.
 
It’s down to Kirstie and Maks opposite Ralph and Karina. The moment of truth! The couple going home is… Ralph and Karina. This is hardly a surprise, but it’s sad nonetheless. I hope he gets some decent offers from having appeared on the show. I’m sorry he never lived up to the potential of his first dance, but for a guy with a bum knee he didn’t do badly at all. Ralph takes it graciously and lavishes Karina with praise. Next week, the final three step into the semifinals. Better yet, the competition on Monday is just one hour – so don’t be late! Tom said so!
 
Who do you think will win next week? Whose freestyle are you most excited to see? And are you voting? Because if you’re not, Brooke says you’re lame.  

h the Stars" after the break...