Before we get rolling, Julie Chen assures us it’s a whole new game, which kind of strikes me as total promotional crap, because no matter how anyone moves around the deck chairs on this hell-bent Titanic, it’s still the same old nasty, scheming, conniving game played by soulless greedheads it always is. And that’s why we love it so. Game on!
 
It’s day 33 inside the Big Brother house, and Lydia is apparently going off the deep end because she’s wearing a black bar over her eyes, which is kind of cool except I think it’s supposed to symbolize her dark state of mind, so glad no one can take weapons into the house. I think.
 
Michele tells us via the diary cam that she couldn’t use her power of veto lest that keep Ronnie from getting his one way ticket out of the house, and I couldn’t agree with her more. Jordan, of course, is just thrilled that Michele stood her ground with the POV, as she points out it will only take 4 votes to get Ronnie out, and she’s pretty sure Jeff, Kevin, Michele and her will do it. Ronnie, being a sore loser and a roaring hypocrite, says Michele’s unwillingness to save his sorry ass with the POV just shows she has no loyalty to anyone except herself, while I would argue that it shows she’s not a total sucker and sees him to be the scumbag he is, but potato, potahto.
 
Lydia warns Kevin not to hang out with her, as she has the plague, which isn’t exactly wrong, as anyone whose head is on the chopping block is usually avoided like stinky fish at some point, though Kevin assures her she’s fine in such a bored and noncommittal voice I wonder if he’s sleepwalking. Lydia then tells the diary-cam that she’s hoping Ronnie, being a lying sack, goes home, but she can’t count on it. Which is, of course, true.
 
On the patio, Michele talks to Jordan about having a bookcase full of brain books, and then feels guilty for not reading more outside of her smartypants profession, which seems like a rather ridiculous thing to say to the girl who says she spells cat with a K. Russell, who walks by and is not exactly believing Jordan could be holding her own in a conversation about literature, suspects Jordan is really plotting against him. Sometimes Russell seems like a perfectly rational being and sometimes he seems like a ‘roided out MMA fighter, and I really haven’t decided where the truth lies, honestly.
 
Russell and Michele seclude themselves in the HOH room and talk about who wants him out of the house, and Michele confirms Ronnie, Chima, Jessie and Nathalie are gunning for him. Then, Michele decides to raise the stakes and tells Russell that Chima called him a liar, which really ticks him off. You can try to throw him out of the house, it seems, but call him names and he will find your car and slash the tires. He can’t understand why Chima is so jealous of every girl who talks to him, which to me says she likes-likes him, but maybe that’s only in high school and not in the BB house, which is like high school in many ways, just meaner and less hormonal, though not by much.
 
Russell, never one to avoid a fight, corners Jessie and asks him when he intended to tell him Chima had plans to backdoor him. Not surprisingly, Jessie lies like a rug and says Chima never told him she wants to backdoor Russell, and I will say even when he’s lying like Nixon, Jessie has a very honest face. Then Russell, being a little stupid, asks Nathalie to fetch Chima for him, which allows Nathalie the opportunity to coach Chima on her answers when Russell interrogates her.
 
But, Chima being Chima, she gets all riled up and wants to kick Michele’s ass, and insists on getting Michele in the conversation with Russell. Oh my, this is going to be ugly. Again, glad there are no weapons in the house.
 
Unfortunately, in Russell’s faulty memory, he thinks Michele told him Chima had an elaborate plan to become HOH and backdoor him, whereas Michele simply said Chima was gunning for him. When she tries to explain this, however, Russell feels sure that Michele is a great, big rat face liar.
 
Then, things begin to really break down, as Chima accuses Russell of being a liar and the two of them begin screaming at each other in the hallway, so maybe my like-like theory is completely off. Observing the complete meltdown, Jordan decides that Chima is sassy, and I think that’s a very nice way of saying Miss Thing is completely off her nut, although I think that has to do with Us Weekly withdrawal or a lack of regular manicures. It really gets ugly when Chima says Russell has cauliflower years and Russell says she’s 34, which is just low.
 
So in about one minute, the cat fight I was expecting between Chima and Michele becomes a smack down between Chima and Russell, and I’m not sure what to think at this point. Did anyone remember that Russell is the HOH? That the plan is to get Ronnie out? Let’s focus, people.
 
Ronnie knows he has three votes to stay in the house, and he’s hoping he can manipulate Jordan into a pity vote, which tells me he really, really doesn’t know Jordan very well, as she’s no longer the wide-eyed sweetie pie of the first week. Jeff, however, knows Jordan is well on her way to being a trashy Hollywood striver with a heart of gold, and he proceeds to start making out with her once the lights in the house go out. Apparently these kids did not remember the night vision cameras, poor things.
 
Of course, the hot and heavy romance doesn’t last long, as Ronnie has to bed down adjacent to their love nest and start pontificating about being a classy gamesman as he audibly farts. And starts begging for a sympathy vote. Which is a good thing to do after you’ve stunk up the room. Jeff wants to call him a c—kblocker, but can’t do it on national television.
 
Julie then takes us to where the house guests are hanging out live and in person, and starts her usual stupid questions routine. She asks Jordan what she thought about the Russell vs. Chima nonsense, and Jordan says she just tried to stay out of the way, but it was very entertaining. Then, it’s up to Michele to describe the mood in the house, which is, of course, tense and divided, adding that it’s always tense and neurotic. Julie then asks Jessie about how he enjoyed his squid and squash diet, and he reveals he and Kevin ate the squid, but he’s a bodybuilder, so he can eat anything no matter how yucky, which means he can kiss any future weight gain powder endorsements good-bye.
 
Then, it’s a private chat between Julie and Russell, which should be interesting, as I still can’t read this guy. He admits his emotions got the best of him, and he said things he regrets, which makes me wonder what we didn’t get to hear. Russell admits he’s loyal to both Jeff and Jessie, but hopes he won’t have to make a decision between either buff hottie anytime soon.  My description, not his. Although he may be thinking it. I mean, he’s only human.
 
It’s finally time to find out who got the power of Coup D’Etat, and it’s Jeff! That’s a good choice, America, even if the poor dear can’t actually pronounce Coup D’Etat, which means he didn’t listen to the “Repo Man” soundtrack in his youth. Anyway, the good news is that Ronnie can probably kiss his ass good-bye.
 
It’s time for Lydia to plead her case, and she hopes everyone will use their vote wisely. During his turn, Ronnie starts getting weepy, which is just uncomfortable, although we do find out he lost 20 pounds. Then, he goes completely nut bag crazy and starts talking about how much he loves everyone in the house – except Michele, the one person he enjoyed throwing under the bus the most. He calls her the worst human being he’s ever had the misfortune of meeting, to which I’m guessing she’s thinking, right back at you, Jell-O blob.
 
On to the voting. Can’t CBS find a way to make this less tedious? I could really do without watching everyone clomp up and down the hallway like a bunch of Clydesdales. Anyway, Kevin votes to oust Ronnie. Nathalie votes for Lydia. Chima votes for Lydia. Jessie votes for Lydia. Michele votes for, duh, Ronnie. Jeff votes for Ronnie. Jordan votes for Ronnie, as he totally stunk up her make-out session.
 
Time to break the news to ol’ Stinky. By a vote of 4 to 3, Ronnie is out. Whoo  hoo! Best episode of BB ever! Whoo! Of course, being a big wimp, he hugs everyone (except Michele) and gets all choked up. Because he is, literally, made of gelatin. Although, apparently, 20 pounds less of it than before.
 
But the kissing ass isn’t over yet, as he has to tell Julie she’s so beautiful, which I guess is a rule when you’re dealing with a pregnant lady who’s married to the head of the network. Julie, who looks like a big lemon pudding, asks Ronnie about why he bitch slapped Michele in his final speech, and Ronnie goes all kinds of crazy talking nonsense about how he made the mistake of trusting her, and she flipped on him. When Julie rightly points out anything that could be said about Michele could probably be said about him, he blathers more nut bag nonsense about how he had ultimate loyalty to Jessie, Chima and Nathalie, but Michele was just a big ol’ traitor. Julie, going for the throat, gets Ronnie to admit he tried to bully a vote out of her, but
 
Then, goodbye speeches. Kevin gloats, Jessie tells Ronnie he’s awesome, Russell said it was a strategic move to boot him and Chima says she’ll get Russell back for him. Then, it’s time for Michele to talk, and this is all good. She tells Ronnie she hates him, that he backstabbed her, then says, “Get out the door, dork.” Which makes Ronnie laugh, but you know he’s crying inside. Because he was a backstabbing pig, and honestly I think he gunned for Michele from the beginning because he knew she’s a hell of a lot smarter than he is and he just hated that. But who cares? He’s gone! And now I will proceed to do a little ding-dong-the-dork- is-dead dance and feel really, really good about it.
 
Then, we get treated to a little flashback to earlier in the week, when Kevin stupidly hits a button he finds in the backyard which causes pre-taped audio from fans of the show telling the housemates what they like and don’t like about them, which seems intensely annoying. Thankfully, we don’t have to withstand much of it.
 
Finally, it’s time for the HOH battle, which is called “Say What?” Julie will pepper the housemates with questions about the goofy sound bytes they listened to the night before. Oh, great. Michele and Lydia are eliminated on the first question.  Jessie’s the next to go. I’m almost missing the soggy foam diploma from last week this is so dull. Jeff and Jordan are next out. It’s down to Kevin, Chima and Nathalie, which is not good. And oh crap, Chima wins it! Freakin’ Chima! She’s excited to get lotion and luxuries, but she’s more excited about wielding power, and you know Russell is sweating through his wife beater.
 
But I’m not so worried, and you know why? Jeff has one more week to use that Coup D’Etat, and I’m guessing that he’s going to bust it out. And Chima, well, she can just suck it.
 
Are you glad Ronnie’s gone? Who should be next? And do you think Jeff will use his secret power to cancel out Chima’s HOH power trip?