Celia of 'America's Next Top Model'

Credit: Jim DeYonker/Pottle Productions Inc

Ay carumba! What’s Portuguese for “You walk like a squid with scurvy?” Whatever the proper translation is, Allison, prepare to hear it, girl, because it’s time for go-sees! Your eyes may channel the most lovely of sirens -- or perhaps just a very fresh flounder -- but your walk! Last time I checked, you could not walk a runway to save your scales.

Can the five remaining models do all of their go-sees and still make it back by 3:30? Can they? Can they? Can they?

[Results of the go-sees and Wednesday (April 29) night's "America's Next Top Model" elimination after the break...]

Ouch. Celia walks into her first go-see and immediately gets asked how old she is. Twenty-five? Ouchy. The designer is brutally honest: “She has a serious problem with age.” Another designer later says that Celia has an elegant walk. Sure she does. But she’s also old. Not “frosh,” as the judges like to say.

Allison is declared by her first designer to be “very shy.” And, yeah, that walk. Hasn’t improved at all. Has Miss J. not been coaching this poor anchovy? The designer concludes she isn’t ready for the catwalk -- which, to be honest, is a shame, because Allison has the highest-fashion face of them all. 

Fo’s problem? “She should be taller,” her first designer declares. Well how is she supposed to deal with that? Yeesh. And did the designer also just call her too concave for the clothes? Double yeesh.

Now, Aminat. For once, she has a triumph. Her pictures may be meh, but designers love her, love her walk, her attitude, her height, her bones. Hey, that’s great. Good for you, sweetheart. Enjoy your minute of happiness, because your pictures are still meh. And you are so not going to make it to the top two.

Poor Fo. She bombs at her go-see, largely because she looks too “commercial,” in the words of one of the designers. And, per another designer, “she ees not velly tall.”

Do I even need to discuss how Teyona made out among the five designers? I mean seriously, just give her the Cover Girl contract. “I love her style,” a designer gushes. Of course you do. Everyone does. Other than a brief battle with a Polident smile, Teyona has had not a minute of trouble during this entire competition. She even makes it back to the end point with time to spare, along with Aminat and Allison. Fo and Celia, who are both late getting back, are disqualified from the go-see challenge.

So how to make the slow movers suffer under the cruel Brazilian sun? Torture by helicopter, of course! The three obediently punctual girls are treated to a chopperr ride around town, while the tardy must take a taxi back to fashion week headquarters. 

Now, the review. Allison is told that designers like her exotic look, but otherwise, ew. Just ew. “You have to practice more your walk,” a translator declares. Hey, translator? You have to practice more your Eeeeng-leeesh.

Aminat gets props for her walk, natch. And Teyona? Well, she draws the usual praise for being everything that any designer would ever want, blah blah blah. Of course Teyona wins the go-see challenge, snatching up five pieces of clothing from each of the five designers featured in the go-sees.

“I want it all, I want it all, I want it all,” Teyona crows upon seeing her wardrobe booty laid out before her at the Top Model high-rise. Well, gee, then, I guess sharing is out?

The next Tyra mail arrives, hinting at a bathing suit or nude shoot. Turns out it's bathing suits, on the Brazilian beach. Oh, hello and good morning, Nigel, you’re going to be the photographer? The sun just got a little brighter, hot stuff. 

The girls don “high-fashion bathing suits,” which, curiously, look a lot like regular bathing suits. Local beachgoers serve as extras.

Aminat is up first. She looks amazing, with incredible limbs and all the rest. But she can’t pose her way out of sand dune. Fo is even worse, with poses that fall somewhere between robotic and rigor mortis. “What on Earth is that?” Nigel wonders in his hot British accent. “You’re giving me Gollum again!” Mr. Jay complains cryptically.

Allison arrives, queen of the salty seas. And would you look at that. She can model a bikini. She even flirts with a fat-guy extra, who reacts as if he’s just hit la lotteria.

Teyona! Teyona! Teyona! “She can model,” Nigel says simply. Why are the rest of the girls still here? Sorry, do I repeat meself too much?

“I don’t know what really happened to Celia,” Nigel says of our fifth girl. Much like Aminat and Fo, she just bombs. Nigel even has to step onto the set and demonstrate how Celia should flirt with the fat guy. 

Back at the Top Model high-rise, Celia declares that she will be the next to go home. 

“She looked old,” Aminat agrees during her own trip to the confessional booth. “I ain’t going nowhere.” Fo, for her part, seems a little overconfident of her performance and muses that other girls surely did worse than she. Other than Celia, darling, whom were you thinking of?

Commercial break. Ah, use this intermission to entertain lascivious thoughts of Nigel -- Nigel, on the Brazilian beach, skin bronzed by the sun, suntan oil glistening on his -- oh. We’re back. Hello, panel judges. I didn’t see you there. Let the elimination process begin!

Teyona, the challenge winner, booked three out of three go-sees, and rocked her beach shoot. On top of that, Teyona wins praise for wearing a decent dress, for once.

Celia booked a bunch of designers during her go-sees, too, but her photo falls way, way flat. Aminat booked two out of three go-sees, but, despite a body that is compared to Naomi Campbell’s (!!!) her lack of body consciousness leads Tyra to declare Aminat “a waste of a body.” 

Fo booked zero go-sees! Ouch. And the photo. I can’t look at it without the risk of turning to stone.

Allison, the little mermaid done good. Her photo shows a sexual side heretofore unseen in her work.

So who goes home? How to decide when we have so many natural disasters to choose from? Fo, with her Gollum style? Aminat, that waste of a Naomi Campbell body? Celia with her ancient oldness?

Teyona gets called first, with Allison snapping at her perfect heels. Aminat scrapes into third place. That body just keeps on saving her, I guess. 

We’re left with Celia and Fo. Celia gets to stay, thanks to a previous body of work that is very strong. Fo, who has delivered a mixed bag throughout the season, is sent packing. Tyra admits that the elimination was tough; she even requires Fo to promise she won’t grow her hair out, because her short cut “is stunning on you.”

Only four girls left! Can they handle a shoot helmed by the mighty Tyra? We’ll find out next week. 

Thoughts on this week's elimination? Who's your favorite?

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