Welcome to the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards in 2011, an event that you may be able further tolerate with organized drinking.
I know that every year we can always count on somebody thanking God, or wearing tacky pinstripes, or forgetting the bra or looking like they're gonna throw up as they look into the camera. It's pop music's three-and-a-half hours and we get the very best and worst.
Grab yourself a case and share some with your neighbor, as we take you through some pretty basic drinking cues for the 2011 ceremony, broadcasting live from the Staples Center in Los Angeles tonight (Feb. 13) starting at 8 p.m. EST via CBS. Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Eminem, Lady Antebellum and other stars may not be able to slam some back while they sit in the auditorium, so you sweatpanted masses might as well.
Here are some drinking rules and cues. What would you add?
+ Every shot on Katy Perry's cleavage, take two drinks
+ For each word Bieber pronounces as though he is from Philly and not from Canada, scream hysterically then drink
+ If Usher is wearing sunglasses and or touches his chest during seating or performance, OMG, freaking drink
+ When and if Eminem smiles, "recover" from shock and waterfall that drink
[More after the jump...]
+ Drink a number of sips corresponding with the number of people Lady Gaga's outfit --whatever f'ed up thing it is -- obscures
+ When Lady Gaga performs or accepts any award, drink for each openly gay person the camera focuses upon
+ Each mention and appearance of Dr. Dre: keep talking about drinking but then never actually take your drink out of the fridge
+ Kiss your drink when Mick Jagger purses his lips
+ For each pained glance from Arcade Fire's Win Butler's face, drink whatever you drank in the town where you grew up
+ If John Mayer wins Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance, make your ugliest guitar face and drink
+ Whenever Katy Perry offers a thanks to Jesus instead of to EMI/Capitol -- who she really should be thanking for her nominations -- pray before you drink
+ Drink the best drink in the room, even if it isn't yours, and claim you were the one who brought it, for each shot of Drake mugging his ass off
+ For each joke from commentators, presenters or even commercials that they can't say the title of Cee Lo's "Fuck You," fuck it: drink
+ Grab a cough drop and drink every time Christina growls through her Aretha segment
+ Whenever Taylor Swift does that thing where she covers or opens her mouth like she-can't-believe-what's-happening-to-her, act surprised that you're drinking and drink
+ Nicki Minaj Crazy Eyes (TM): you know what to do
+ Everytime you see one of the "Glee" kids lip-syncing to the house music, don't stop a'drinkin'
+ Each glimpse of Keith Urban, drink something bland but has a great bottle
+ Chris Brown... just ignore your drink, it'll go away
+ Mention of Clive Davis? Drink with self-promotion and longevity
Everything: Grammy Awards
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