The 2012 Oscars drinking game: The Academy Award goes to you, champ
The 2012 Academy Awards are upon us, and HitFix doesn't just want to tell you when to drink, but how to drink. And when not to.
Check out some suggestions for your Oscars party for the 84th annual event. Forget the usual "when they thank their manager" or "when somebody cries," here's some tailored to tonight:
+ For every "Hugo" and "Midnight in Paris" win, drink -- but imagine at least four other drinks that were much, much better.
+ If Uggie takes the stage with Jean Dujardin or for any other win for "The Artist," drink from a dog bowl.
+ If Michael Shannon wins Best Actor, bust out the "nice stuff" reserved for the apocalypse.
+ If Meryl Streep wins Best Actress for "Iron Lady," drink conservatively. If it's Michelle Williams as "Marilyn," pour one out. For Glenn Close, spend years years thinking about drinking but then succumb to dehydration. Viola Davis, drink because you deserve it.
+ Because Brett Ratner won't be there to do it right, drink when Shia LaBeouf smirks.
+ Drink if any of the "Bridesmaids" wears fuschia.
+ Pour yourself a champagne, Mojito, Gin Rickey or a Josephine Baker for any "Midnight in Paris" honors. For "The Descendants," try a pina colada.
+ If "Tree of Life" takes Best Picture, drink for a frustratingly long time.
+ For every Billy Crystal "I'm old" joke... wait, what was it we were doing again?
+ For "Harry Potter" and "Undefeated" wins, put that glass down, you shouldn't be drinking anyway.
+ Intensely question the origins of your drink if "Anonymous" actually nabs something.
+ Drink in silence for "The Artist." Drink quietly and with deep suspicion for "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy." And if Gary Oldman gets passed over, yet again, give your drink to somebody who's already drank too much.
+ Any allusion to the girth of Fassbender's unit, swallow hard. And slowly. Slower. That's right.
+ If "Drive" wins a thing, put your jacket on. If Rooney Mara gets Best Actress for "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," throw your jacket away. Do not operate a car, motorcycle or any other motor vehicle.
+ If Jonah Hill wins Supporting Actor over Plummer Von Sydown, Branagh or Nolte, drink something that gets better with age.
+ For every minute that Diddy performs and Muppets adoptee Bret McKenzie doesn't, drink that many shots of whatever liqueur he's promoting.
+ For Best Animated Feature, if "Rango" takes it, drink water (if you've got it). If it's "Puss in Boots": leche.
+ Take the most underrated actor, combine them with two middle-weights, multiply them by the number of movies they've done collectively, divide it by their odds of winning as determined by Vegas, spin around three times and say "bloody Mary" into a mirror, cross your fingers and trust your accountant: drink that many times for "Moneyball" wins.
+ Ladies, drink for "The Help" and "Bridesmaids." Dudes: "Moneyball" and "Albert Nobbs." For "Dragon Tattoo," go drink by yourself, it's your business what you do.
+ We don't have the heart for a Whitney Houston drinking rule.
+ Drink once for every six shots of Brad Pitt reacting like he doesn't know people are talking about him and that he's up for an Academy Award. One drink for every 25 Clooneycam shots.
+ Punch yourself in the face to any references to Linsanity or other Jeremy Lin puns. In general. Not just for this show.
+ Put your glass down if Jessica Chastain takes supporting actress over Octavia Spencer, because you wouldn't want people to think you're racist, it's not even about race anyway its about the quality of a single performance, despite the years of commitment to challenging roles we all walk away winners, right?
+ If "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" or "War Horse" take Best Picture, waterfall: that is, overturn your tables and dump out your drinks, because the show's over folks, it's OVER.
1947 | Thriller | NRSummary: Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth provide more than enough star power in this dark thriller about a seaman pulled into plots of deceit and murder.Director: Orson Welles
Cast: Rita Hayworth, Orson Welles, Everett Sloane
1996 | Family | PGSummary: Harriet is a nosy sixth-grader who keeps records of her neighbors’ doings, and finds her world coming apart when her secret notebook is stolen.Director: Bronwen Hughes
Cast: Michelle Trachtenberg, Rosie O'Donnell, Gregory Smith
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Cast: Michael Fassbender, Domhnall Gleeson, Maggie Gyllenhaal
1981 | Adventure | GSummary: The fun and adventure begin when a lonely widow adopts an orphaned fox cub named Tod. The mischievous fox soon meets up with Copper, an adorable hound puppy. As the innocent pair grow up together in the forest, they become inseparable friends. But the day soon arrives when their friendship is put...Director: Ted Berman, Art Stevens, Richard Rich
Cast: Mickey Rooney, Kurt Russell, Pearl Bailey, Jack Albertson
1957 | Drama | NRSummary: Brilliantly visceral re-telling of Macbeth, with feudal Japan replacing Scotland, and Toshiba Mifune and Isuzu Yamada in sensational performances as Lord and Lady Macbeth.Director: Akira Kurosawa
Cast: Toshirô Mifune, Minoru Chiaki, Isuzu Yamada
2009 | Drama | GSummary: A drama based on the true story of a college professor's bond with the abandoned dog he takes into his home.Director: Lasse Hallström
Cast: Richard Gere, Joan Allen, Jason Alexander, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
1997 | Crime | RSummary: Quentin Tarantino adaptats an Elmore Leonard novel into this story of a few increasingly desperate people scraping to get by. It has deep soul, a wicked sense of humor, and Samuel L. Jackson, Robert De Niro, Pam Grier, and Robert Forster.Director: Quentin Tarantino
Cast: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster
1955 | Musical | NRSummary: Gambling was never so stylishly appealing as when Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons and Frank Sinatra are charismatically singing, dancing, and charming their way through New York.Director: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Cast: Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons, Frank Sinatra
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Cast: Chuck Klosterman, James Murphy, Keith Wood
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