To the ecstatic, pants-wetting delight of millions of his pubescent fans, tonight Justin Bieber released "Boyfriend", the first single from his upcoming third album "Believe". And boy, does he know how to make them squeal:

"If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go/I can take you places you ain’t never been before," he sings in the track's opening lines. "Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know/I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow."

Just imagine it, girls: you and Justin, sitting hand-in-hand in front of a roaring fire while gazing deeply into each other's eyes and...dipping bread cubes into a simmering pot of melted cheese?

"Swag swag swag, on you/Chillin by the fire while we eatin’ fondue," he continues. Mmm, yummy!

The greatest part of it is, even though "Boyfriend" is essentially the same exact song Bieber has been singing since he first started his young career, none of his fans are going to care one iota. Sure, there are a couple of isolated moments of specificity - at one point he hilariously intones, "I could be your Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe" - but the basic message remains the same:

"If I was your boyfriend, never let you go/Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone..."

Ka-CHING!

My grade for the track: D. It may be effective, but it's also terrible.

After listening to the song below, you can rate it for yourself at top left!

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 "Boyfriend" is now available for purchase on iTunes.